a new beginning...

And so the decision has been made... I will continue writing but in a new blog that covers from being FT as Ellie and onwards... thanks for listenng, reading, sharing etc.

If you want to be part of the new blog then please feel free to join Ellie at http://ellieon.blogspot.com... if not thanks for looking and being part of the journey...

Ciao forever... :) xo

where too from here? a dilemma

Hi all,

I realise it's been ages since I posted here... the thing is once I realised where life was headed and kind of got myself there I didn't know what to do with this blog.

You see the blog was initially a way of sorting my own head out on a number of issues and well... a lot is sorted and a bit yet to go.

So where to from here?

Well to get you up to date if you don't already know, I've been living fulltime as Elisabeth for about 5 months now... I work 4 days a week as Ellie, have bought a house, a car and been in surgery as Ellie and well... that's the future....

So do I keep this blog of scottoutofsync? or start a new one of Ellie's life from here..

I'm not totally sure to be honest... but things currently on my agenda include:

1. SRS surgery... in 7 months I'll be 'allowed' to have surgery... I personally can't wait.. but I wonder what it will be like to finalise this transition... I haven't acknowledged certain err.. male bits for many, many years and it is strange to think how it will be to feel right about things with the right bits in place.

2. To BA or not to BA... that is the question... having grown to a neat but small 'b' cup do I want to go up a notch like most TS girls do given the hormones are a little weak... well the answer is yes but do I feel it's worth the cost, pain etc. for what it offers... it's something I am still struggling with.

3. Work - how long do I keep this up... initially it was 6 months maximum which runs out at the end of the year but we'd really benefit from me working longer and I have 8 weeks or so of sick leave which would help with surgery recovery etc. ... so what to di?

Anyway.. . this may well be my last post here.. I'm still tossing things over and may start something new... ie: transition related and less philosophical... I'll see... if you want to feedback on anything past or present please do.. I;d love to hear from you..

Ciao for now...

Ellie :) xo

Lyrics to "Come my lovely"

For those with troubled hearing... or those who struggle with my lack of diction (yes I said 'diction'!!!)

When the winds of my life have been blown to a storm
In the winter of life I'm alone
When the darkness surrounds me I see no more light
Have I ever felt more on my own ?

As I sit in my emptiness I feel the presence of love
And I know it is you Lord
For you come in my darkness and speak in the stillness
Your words of compassion and love Lord
Healing, Healing Me

CHORUS:
Come my lovely one come
For you the winter is past
The season of rain it is over and gone
Come my beautiful one
Let me see your face for your face is so beautiful and lovely
Let me hear your voice my child for to hear your voice is sweet
My lovely one come

As the storm blows around me I try to hold on
And I tremble and shake in your arms
In my fear I am doubting if I can go on
But with you I will come to no harm

As I sit in your presence I'm feeling your tenderness
Flood through the depths of my soul Lord
And you're gently restoring me fading the memory
of hurts locked away in my heart Lord
Healing, healing me

CHORUS

When the winds of my life they are blown to a storm
I'll shelter in your tender arms
When the darkness surrounds me there'll always be light
I'll never more be on my own

As I sit in your presence I'm feeling your tenderness
Flood through the depths of my soul Lord
For you came in my darkness and spoke in the stillness
Your words of compassion and love Lord
Healing, Healing Me

For my dear friend Maria

This song posted on the blog (on the right) is based on some verses from Song of Solomon... I have published it for a friend of mine Maria Risener who is going through a very rough time.

It could also be comforting for anyone going though a difficult time.. luv you all

Scott/Ellie xo

What about me 3? ... transitioning

I feel it is time for a full update on events of the past 12 months so you all know where things are at with me and my family.

About 18 months ago I started hormones and anti-androgens and am currently working with my psychiatrist, psychologist and the Monash Gender Dysphoria clinic toward a MTF transition.

It;s been a long time coming and I feel I have tried every avenue available to me to bring some peace and hope amidst the transgender condition I am so 'blessed' with and I believe this is not only the last hope but also the best option going forward.

Lisa and I are committed to making it work and we have recently told our kids and extended families... this has been incredibly hard.

At present I am meeting every few weeks with the psychiatrist and director of the Monash Gender Dysphoria clinic and at the moment it looks as though I'm a pretty black and white case for them so I'm not expecting too many roadblocks or hurdles from them.

I'm also having weekly electrolysis and am seeing significant progress. This pleases me no end.

For the hopelessly curious and morbid the effects of the drugs mean: I'm currently a 'B' cup in breast development, my skin has thinned, is more luminescent and pores reduced, I have siginifcantly reduced strength and muscle mass (especially on my arms), my body hair is almost non-existent, some head hair has regrown and male pattern baldness has stopped, my butt is considerably bigger and most recent weight gain is in that area... that ought to satiate your curiosity. I have to say I am delighted in every step of progress I see and look forward to more and more.

At this stage I plan to go FT as Elisabeth (aka Ellie for short) 2nd half 2011 and at this stage all looks good for that to occur. I already live most of the time that way anyhow in one way shape or form except when I'm gigging which is a reality until about June next year when I will retire from professional music.

Anyway so that's where things are... it's taken me many many years to accept this route of treatment but I sincerely believe it is the only route for any hope of happiness for me. Beyond this hope I can only see death as an option which I;d rather not think about.

These days I get more stares when I try to pass as Scott than I get when I'm presenting as Elisabeth... I cannot wait to be FT and eventually have SRS surgery and feel complete as the person I should ahve been born as.

with love,

Ellie (aka Scott) xo

Stories looking out for love

Hi all,

Lately I've been having lots of discussions regarding the GLBT community, love, abuse, christianity etc. It's been quite a tiring few weeks but also quite enlightening and 'growing'...

One comment I had from a Christian friend was as follows "I have looked into the Christian Support pages on FB for homosexuals and transgender... this may sound harsh but interestingly I don't read a lot on them that displays genuine Christian character ... confused and disillusioned people finding comfort on other confused and disillusioned people" ... it was a statement that amazed and confounded me ...

I thought maybe it would be a good opportunity to share some stories of people I have met either in person or online. No real names are used and I'm keeping it brief to ensure privacy is assured.

People often wonder why I am so passionate about loving the GLBT community and working hard to stamp out abusive and potentially harmful messages that can lead so easily to positions of hate and prejudice. When you hear what people have gone through you can often understand better why they may feel disillusioned and why they seek comfort with each other. In many cases they have not experienced it anywhere else.

1. Jane - is a lovely TG girl who since transitioning has never seen her two youngish boys. Her ex is very bitter and refuses to allow contact. She sees it as her reponsibility to be supportive with finances and hopes when they reach 18 they will seek reconnection with her.

2. Tom - A lovely Christian man who loves people and God and helps others struggling with their identity. After spending his life with his ONLY life partner of 29 year's before he was killed in a car accident, his brother asked him to meet with his pastor under the guise that his pastor wanted to perform the memorial service. After a 40 mile drive to meet his brother's pastor, he was immediately told that his deceased partner was in hell and he was to join him IF he did not convert to heterosexuality.

3. Jill - A lovely Christian woman in her 30's. She recently came out to her family. Their reponse? Her family is pushing her to give up her kids to her ex. They believe that she's going to ruin their lives if they grow up in a gay household. My sister, who is married to a pastor, keeps sending me text messages with scriptures saying I should choose life.

4. Grace - a TG girl in her late 40's. Adopted young she tried to find her real mother. Eventually she tracked her down. After 3 letters she received a reply not to contact her again or an AVO would be instigated. She has since been disowned by her adopted prents and asked to never be in touch again. She is unable to work, does not see her children and lives in a caravan park.

5. Martha- a lovely Christian mature woman who when she came out to her family was told by her christian brother and his wife told she should be put to death... to quote 'It still hurts me now as badly as it did then... All because I am a lesbian and their kind of christianity disapproves of me..'

6. Jim - a beautifully warm hearted and giving gay man. When he came out to his family his father screamed at his mother in front of him that he would rather have a dead son than a gay one.

Now not all stories are bad. Many people find love, acceptance, grace and support from their friends and families. But there are so many like these simple examples I have given. At the root of it all is a bigotry that bypasses the person and looks only at one attribute for total judgement.

This past few weeks there have been many stories of youth suicide and bullying because kids are often different. Where do these attitudes of hate, of abuse, of judgement come from. Well many places... but esentially it comes down to what messages we believe, what messages we give out and what messages we teach our children.

I'm passionate that the church do a complete about face on their attitudes to the LGBT/GLBT community. I believe that the conservative legalistic views of the religious right are feeding the 'hate' crimes toward this community by teaching a strong message of judgement and not love. This has to stop!

And you may have wondered why many GLBT people feel confused, hurt and disillusioned... think about the messages you would give!

Ciao for now...

Scott

more about me.. a little self indulgence

Two posts in one day? surely not.. oh well...

Lately I've been sharing a litle about myself and my experiences with being transgendered and Christian in a variety of places... some to my family, others to people I don't know. I thought they were worthwhile sharing as they give you a greater insight into me, my struggles and even Lisa (my wife's) experiences with being married to someone who is transgendered.

Hope you enjoy... remember these thoughts/posts were in blogs etc with a Christian context hence the language :)

A. ABOUT ME:
I'm passionate yet frightened, gracious and loving and yet judgemental and angry, strangely fickle yet fiercely loyal. I want to understand and yet be understood, to embrace and be embraced, to love and be loved. Quite a quandary... think of your typical woman if there's such a thing and you'll be close to the mark (think of Alanis Morisette's 'Hand in my Pocket')... Lisa's been trying to work me out for years and she's female :) (PS - she just laughed when I read that out.. she wholewheartedly agrees)... I can sadly be a grumpy vindictive bitch when scorned/crossed... but it generally doesn;t last that long...I'm learning.

As to what I'm on about... many things and yet sometimes nothing (see previous paragraph):
I feel very passionate about issues of significant inequality especially the more I deal with and befriend other LGBT folk , hear their stories, feel their pain and the abuse they have encountered and continue to encounter. Every time I hear of someone who has suicided or other cases of abuse, from church and non-church alike I am brought to tears and want to see the world love and get along without bias.

I do want fellow Christians to not 'exclude' them because they're too hard or because of a belief around morality/sin. They are people with issues, loves, gifts, hurts and are loved and created by God and many of them have so much to give to the world. There is a huge 'ministry' of love and care (not evangelistic) to these people. Sadly so many TG people kill themselves.. I know of a few already. It breaks my heart as I know of some of their pain and journeys.

So that's me.. creative, nurturing, manic, depressed, idealistic, wounded... and difficult. Befriend me at your peril :)

B. SOME THOUGHTS ON TRANSGENDERISM AND CHRISTIANITY:
hmmm ... God doesn't make mistakes huh? No... but what of the child born prem who dies at -2 weeks?, of the child born with autism or no limbs? What about the intersexed person born physically female (to the eye) but when she reaches age 18 and still hasn;t had her period (yet has a physically female appearance breasts and all) finds out she is chromosonally neither male nor female and has inner testes that don;t work but the physical appearance, estrogen, hips, breasts of a woman and is known as such. What choice should she make?

Please look beyond your own safe and sheltered worlds to the realities of what so many people need to live with. Only a small precentage of people in this world have the luxury of being middle class, well off, well educated, 'normal' human beings. I am a MTF transgender christian and my wife and I both know that I have the brain, personality etc. of a woman and have had for as long as I have a memory yet I was born with an anatomically non-matching body.

It is a very painful condition, one I would not wish on anyone, least of all myself. There is no sexual fetish or deviance associated with it (in my case at least) other than I am basically a-sexual or not interested. It s not a sin condition but a condition of being, of birth and of genetics. We must remember that we live in a world that is the result of thousands of years of sin and far from perfect. We all need to find a way to continue to find grace, love, peace and forgivensss in the midst of living with the consequences of a less than perfect and sinful world.

PLEASE CONSIDER AND PRAY FOR GRACE. The suicide rate of tg people is estimated as up to 70%.... well above the normal range... mostly because of people's insenstitivity and lack of understanding.

Since when has counselling re-grown an arm that was never there, healed down syndrome or fixed a terminal tumour??? Transgenderism is biological... I am convinced being born that way myself. It's a sign of western modernity that considers cognition as the ultimate. Knowledge isn;t everything... some things are real... you wouldn;t wish this on your worst enemy and trust me I have been through 8 counsellors a number of exorcists etc and funnily enough they can;t fix what is essentially created/biological.... plus I like me... I'm a lovely, gracious, giving, sensitive and forgiving person :|

Sometimes hardship is just a result of the effects of all of us human beings living with the consequences of other peoples poor decisions... ie: the death of a father who died in a crash from a drink driver.... other times it is the result of years of sin and imperfection in the world. there is so much more than simple 1+1, black vs white mathematics... God however brings us love, joy, grace, peace and forgiveness whatever our circumstances. For me I know He loves me as the woman I am inside and the 'becoming' woman I am outside... I know He loves the person I am and is pleased with so much that I give... God bless

C. AND FINALLY SOME THOUGHTS FROM LISA AND WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A TG:
Hi from Lisa, Ellie Whites wife. Just want to let people know having married this beautiful person as a man 18 years ago and then only 6 years ago discovering why s/he had felt so out of place in this world all of hir (his/her in tg terms) life. There was heartache stress and trauma for me yes but after a lot of self soul searching realized that s/he was still the same person that I had spent my adult life with and had 4 beautiful children with. I now realise that just because he looks like a man (although not for very much longer) he really does think, act and feel like a woman. {More so than me sometimes} God did not make a mistake, s/he is the most caring, giving, loving 'wife' and parent anyone could wish for. I see the hourly struggle, anxiety, pain and suffering s/he goes through in just trying to survive in hir own misfitted body and the rejection, isolation and misunderstanding s/he faces from many others.

And it is true the suicide rate is far too high in this group of beautiful but too often unacceptable people. Ellie has been so close on a few occassions and that is difficult for me to deal with. S/he has felt so much guilt about what myself and hir kids suffer that I have been close to it at times too. Because I then feel guilt cos I don't feel I am being as supportive loving or accepting as I could be. We absolutely love each other but it doesn't mean we don't struggle with it constantly. This is not a 'normal' situation and no-one really understands so please anyone out there who calls themselves a christian and loves Jesus, remember every second of every day that in this society #particularly christian circles# we struggle with peoples uneducated fundamental views and that hurts us to the core. All we ask is to be shown grace, love and understanding.

This is by no means a choice!!!!!!!! If it were I can assure you my beautiful partner WOULD NOT CHOOSE to walk this daily path of pain, anguish and rejection. Lastly I want to share that I have come from a very conservative background and God has graciously given me an extremely loving and caring 'wife' which has helped me to adjust my black and white attitudes and give me a life of learning challenges. It has not always been a nice road but I am incredibly thankful for the beautiful partner I have and the beautiful marriage we share #most of the time.# So if I can come full circle on many of my attitudes I can assure you, you can too. Please think about how you treat #judge# these beautiful but so often tormented souls. Luv to all from Lisa