a little yeast spoils the loaf: a story of abuse

I’ve been asked by a few people where I’m at with the church these days. Fair question really given I used to be a paid pastor and now don’t attend a church... at this point in time anyway. Some of my posts on this blog would also seem to indicate I’m maybe a little ‘disillusioned’ by the western evangelical church… well in short, Yes I am… but here’s kind of part 3 of my story to explain a little.

If you don’t know already from reading previous posts, I’m Gender Dysphoric or transgender…take your pick on the term. A number of years ago I had been a worship co-ordinator at a large church and then recently moved to a Vineyard church plant as the worship pastor. This was largely due to a good friend of ours moving there and we kind of went along with the journey.

I had had a number of counselling sessions with this ‘friend’ over the years to work through this gender thing of mine… it was tough going. During one of these sessions, our last together, we were discussing what it is like to be male and the ‘friend’ decided to show me. He stood up, dropped his pants and waved his ‘male parts’ in my face approx. a foot away. I was horrified and protesting loudly that he stop. He then proceeded to demand that I tell noone about this and that God had been leading him to do this as part of my ‘therapy’ but others would not understand. I was angry, hurt, confused and ashamed. I could not get the horrid image out of my head but due to our ‘friendship’ I chose not to talk about it at the time.

I had also been seeing a leading Melbourne gender therapist who helped me understand the ‘condition’ that I had and for the first time in my life everything started to make sense. A the same time though, my marriage was falling apart.. Lisa was having a tough time with it all amidst her existing chronic depression and she went to stay with this friend and his wife. I had resigned as pastor by this time.

I started to notice that I had little support from those I had previously loved and cared for in my 5 years as pastor. No one called or visited and some completely shut me off. Apparently my ‘friend’ was telling people (and my wife) that I had abandoned counselling with him because I was not prepared to see it through with God and was turning my back on all things Christian. I now know this was part of his manipulation to cover up his tracks and damage any credibility I would have if I told anyone what had happened. Word had quickly spread about my gender condition and rumour had it I was working toward a sex change, which was not on the cards at the time.

A little later I told someone about the 'counselling' incident as part of my story and soon after I was approached to discuss it further as apparently this was not an isolated case. My ‘friend’ had apparently been involved in a number of similar scenarios with a number of people that I will not describe any further. He was challenged by the authorities but by this stage had moved out of the country. He has never apologised or sought forgiveness from me or any of his other victims. He is still practicing counselling with young people in that country.

Meanwhile I continued to get little support from those I had loved and pastored. Lisa was attending the church still with the kids and the general consensus seemed to be that I was out of the loop and had chosen my path. After all those years of friendship and giving of myself…that hurt a great deal.

So my recent experience with church has been one of abuse, judgement and abandonment. What I thought had been a place of love, grace and friendship had turned into a nightmare during one of the most needy times of my life. The loaf had well and truly been spoiled by a little yeast.

These days I’m trying to hold onto what faith I have, search the heart of god to see if there’s a place for me still, understand my GID, question my upbringing and try and find life among the ashes. I’m slowly realising I am not alone in my beliefs, my GID and my experience. God’s love and grace is out there still, albeit in desperate short supply.

If you have experienced abuse from the church or it’s people then I am so sorry this has happened to you. I pray you will find your way toward healing in your journey and find a loving, gracious and tender god at the end of it.

God bless… Scott