a little yeast spoils the loaf: a story of abuse

I’ve been asked by a few people where I’m at with the church these days. Fair question really given I used to be a paid pastor and now don’t attend a church... at this point in time anyway. Some of my posts on this blog would also seem to indicate I’m maybe a little ‘disillusioned’ by the western evangelical church… well in short, Yes I am… but here’s kind of part 3 of my story to explain a little.

If you don’t know already from reading previous posts, I’m Gender Dysphoric or transgender…take your pick on the term. A number of years ago I had been a worship co-ordinator at a large church and then recently moved to a Vineyard church plant as the worship pastor. This was largely due to a good friend of ours moving there and we kind of went along with the journey.

I had had a number of counselling sessions with this ‘friend’ over the years to work through this gender thing of mine… it was tough going. During one of these sessions, our last together, we were discussing what it is like to be male and the ‘friend’ decided to show me. He stood up, dropped his pants and waved his ‘male parts’ in my face approx. a foot away. I was horrified and protesting loudly that he stop. He then proceeded to demand that I tell noone about this and that God had been leading him to do this as part of my ‘therapy’ but others would not understand. I was angry, hurt, confused and ashamed. I could not get the horrid image out of my head but due to our ‘friendship’ I chose not to talk about it at the time.

I had also been seeing a leading Melbourne gender therapist who helped me understand the ‘condition’ that I had and for the first time in my life everything started to make sense. A the same time though, my marriage was falling apart.. Lisa was having a tough time with it all amidst her existing chronic depression and she went to stay with this friend and his wife. I had resigned as pastor by this time.

I started to notice that I had little support from those I had previously loved and cared for in my 5 years as pastor. No one called or visited and some completely shut me off. Apparently my ‘friend’ was telling people (and my wife) that I had abandoned counselling with him because I was not prepared to see it through with God and was turning my back on all things Christian. I now know this was part of his manipulation to cover up his tracks and damage any credibility I would have if I told anyone what had happened. Word had quickly spread about my gender condition and rumour had it I was working toward a sex change, which was not on the cards at the time.

A little later I told someone about the 'counselling' incident as part of my story and soon after I was approached to discuss it further as apparently this was not an isolated case. My ‘friend’ had apparently been involved in a number of similar scenarios with a number of people that I will not describe any further. He was challenged by the authorities but by this stage had moved out of the country. He has never apologised or sought forgiveness from me or any of his other victims. He is still practicing counselling with young people in that country.

Meanwhile I continued to get little support from those I had loved and pastored. Lisa was attending the church still with the kids and the general consensus seemed to be that I was out of the loop and had chosen my path. After all those years of friendship and giving of myself…that hurt a great deal.

So my recent experience with church has been one of abuse, judgement and abandonment. What I thought had been a place of love, grace and friendship had turned into a nightmare during one of the most needy times of my life. The loaf had well and truly been spoiled by a little yeast.

These days I’m trying to hold onto what faith I have, search the heart of god to see if there’s a place for me still, understand my GID, question my upbringing and try and find life among the ashes. I’m slowly realising I am not alone in my beliefs, my GID and my experience. God’s love and grace is out there still, albeit in desperate short supply.

If you have experienced abuse from the church or it’s people then I am so sorry this has happened to you. I pray you will find your way toward healing in your journey and find a loving, gracious and tender god at the end of it.

God bless… Scott

The wine in the cupboard: the problem of paid ministry

I've been reading a number of posts recently on various blogs particularly the nakedpastor's post on "biblical arguments against vision" (http://www.nakedpastor.com/archives/5112) and my good friend Scott Aitken's post on "Integrity and paid ministry"
(http://nursepastorfatherhusband.blogspot.com/2010/04/integrity-and-paid-ministry.html). They are both worth a read.

I've been thinking along some similar lines and whist I may not be as blunt as Scotty I feel for modern day pastors in the difficult dance of keeping their job, staying humble, being real and still broaching difficult topics. So how much of the modern day pastor's job is being a politician? Let me do my usual wandering approach to the topic… humour me :)

I have a fair understanding of the difficulties of living in the public eye. I grew up the son of a minister and both my brothers are now senior pastors. I have also worked as a pastor in my local Vineyard church for 5 years. It's a tough ask at times and often the congregation look to you as Jesus himself… not good for them or you (many egos get corrupted in this dance).

I remember growing up when at the time having a glass of wine in our denomination was considered both sinful and could cost a minister their job. So at dinner my parents might be enjoying a glass of wine (they did not consider this sinful) and if the doorbell rang we'd have to run and hide the glasses and bottle in the cupboard in case it was someone from the church at the door. What a weird way to live huh? It taught me that in this public life of ministry you had to keep any 'flaw' hidden and only portray a public persona that reflected biblical perfection.

This is just an example but I'm confident that these things occur all the time. The pastor who sneaks a view of porn, has a cigarette in private, has a glass too many occasionally or possibly occasionally misuses his/her expense card keeps this flawed persona private. Now obviously this is not healthy… the position of power that a minister holds is fraught with danger but let's look at why?

A modern day's pastor's job is deeply linked with their livelihood. Getting a job, keeping it and feeding the family is mixed in with a pastors passion. For more on this check out my friend Scotty's blog. This means that pastors need to watch their P's and Q's so closely that they appear to their people to be beyond reproach…. News Flash!! … They are just people working in a system/institution that I think desperately needs review.

Imagine a potential pastor going for a new job or an established one getting in front of their congregation and either: 1. expressing their love and support for the homosexual community as their neighbour or 2. attacking the churches waste of resources on itself. and suggesting it give 90% of it's offerings elsewhere.

These are just two examples that are clearly bees in my bonnet but there are hundreds more that would be career limiting moves for any professional pastor. Often the situation is reversed where a pastor feels they must teach on something they don't even believe in themselves. Tithing for example… there is little biblical evidence to support compulsory tithing yet if pastors don't preach on it then the offerings go down and the institution is in trouble.

Look at the recent example where the pope had been involved in multiple cover-ups of the abuse of children at the hands of paid priests in order not to tarnish the already flagging image of the church. There are many taboo topics… having any kind of liberal stance on homosexuality, attacking western materialism etc... So which is more important the lives of people or the 'reputation' of the pastor and/or institution? Hmmm… I digress.

So what's the solution? Funnily enough I'm not having a go at pastors although I can guess some will feel I am and defend their role. I believe most pastors are there because they feel called to what they do, have a genuine passion and want to follow their God. However, the nature of the church as it stands is a big problem. Admittedly pastors often don't help the situation by further building the myth of their infallibility. Pastors need to feel free to be human, real, flawed and express their passionate voice. They are no different from us plaebians… they live, they sin, they have families and even fear their livelihood at times. I for one am an advocate of having a preisthood of all believers and no paid ministers.

Personally I could not stay in ministry once I realised I had to be honest about my gender condition and the separation with my wife (which has since been restored). I could not 'pretend' anymore, wanted to maintain my integrity as a person and could not (still can not) work within the confines of such an institution as the modern western church.

I pray for a day when the wine does not have to stay hidden in the cupboard.

Cheers all… Scott

Sharing a song - I Cry (by Me)

Following up on yesterdays personal post (and after hours of working out how) I've posted a song of mine written a number of years ago based on living with GID... just press the play button on the top right of the blog. I have many songs if you're interested some of which can be found on my myspace music site. www.myspace.com/scottwhite5

I CRY- Scott White

Do you know what it’s like
To never measure up
Do you know how it feels
To know you don’t belong

Oh I am not like you.. oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul

I can never hope to be
What you’re wanting me to be
It’s a physical
Impossibility

Oh I am not like you oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul
(rpt)

What about me 2? (whats it like to have GID?)

Time to get off my high horse soapbox for a minute and get a little personal. I’ve been encouraged to do this by a friend who suggested it might help someone out there who’s dealing with similar issues. If you don’t want to know the details then don’t read this. I’ve been asked this question ‘what’s it like?’ a lot and I have to admit it’s a really tough one to answer. In a sense I know of no other way to be… it’s just ‘me’ but I do know I’m different and generally don’t fit in. Let me put some examples out there and ramble for a bit…

As a young child I liked to play mostly with the girls (almost all my friends were and still are girls), enjoyed creative games and music and never liked the rough and tumble side of ‘boy’ play… I’m completely non-competitive. I don’t think like a guy (funny that :?) …when I see a woman walking down the street I don’t have ‘sexual or lustful thoughts’ but instead notice her lovely earrings, that her lipstick matches her top, admire the material and cut of her skirt and wonder why she chose those shoes that day... they just sooo don’t go with the outfit. (and no I’m not gay) I’m nurturing, gentle, loving, creative, generous, giving and a pacifist but this doesn’t tell you much.

I remember as a very young boy sitting in the bath and seeing my perineum (look it up if you don’t know… I certainly didn’t know back then) and thinking that this is where my girls parts must have been once but had been sewn up. THe perineum was the scar. I wondered if it would sort itself out. I prayed regularly maybe around ages 8-14 that God would ‘fix’ me and I would wake up in the right body. (ie: that of a female) I have a general ‘dislike’ (hmmm OK ‘disgust’ is a better word) for the male body especially mine and I don’t like to ‘acknowledge’ certain parts of my own anatomy. In fact I don’t generally feel comfortable (almost scared) around guys and often find myself putting on a ‘fake’ persona of ‘blokeiness’ around blokey men in order to feel less threatened. I hate looking at my body in the mirror or in photos…

I keep looking at my face in the mirror to see glimpses of the ‘girl’ I feel inside… for any signs of femininity… feeling elated if I find it and crushed when I don’t. I’m more often than not crushed as time goes by.

In counselling with Lisa recently we were asked what I do that is perhaps more typically male or done in a male way. Neither Lisa nor I could think of anything.

I dress a little androgynously but not much… mostly non-‘blokey’ but not obviously female… this is not a cross-dressing or fetishistic issue. I wear a lot of jewellery and look after my hair and skin. I keep my legs and underarms shaved and tidy my brows. Lisa and I share a hair dye once a month ☺

I suffer from depression as I have this constant grief / dysphoria (opposite of euphoria) over being physically male (not being female). I hate it and every mirror reminds me among other things... If I could have been born female or there was any way I could be without hurt to my family I would.

I think of suicide on a regular basis, numerous times a week, mostly nights when I ‘stop’ running around and distracting myself. I constantly remind myself of my children and my wife who love and need me. Some days I feel I can’t do it anymore… it hurts too much. Death will bring ultimate peace for someone with GID.

I’m not very ‘sexual’… it’s difficult to be that interested in something when it involves parts of your body that you aren’t fond of. That said, I have four kids so obviously it can physically happen but lets not go there.

In short it is a painful way to live and there are few options… I spend an exorbitant amount of energy keeping myself manically busy to provide a daily distraction. Yes it is often difficut but if you’re thinking it’s hard for me please spare a thought for my loving and faithful wife who stands by me and walks with me each day... wherever that leads us we don’t really know.

Cheers all… if anyone wants to know more… let me know.

Scott

"Love the sinner hate the sin" : Plea for new paradigm

Hi all... after some feedback I have decided to post this post which I had originally planned for down the track. Note I’m still on the ‘Church approach to the GLBT community’ topic but there’s lots of other topics planned. If you’re one of those who thinks gay people are the spawn of Satan and beyond love then I suggest you move on and come back later … ☺

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the line “love the sinner, hate the sin” when the topic of homosexuality comes up I’d be a rich man (or at least have enough to pay my bills). It seems to be an ‘easy’ response to the situation but one that irks me considerably. I recently came upon this quote from another blog that I found hits the target:

‘I don’t think they could begin to understand how “love the sinner, hate the sin” doesn’t cut it with this community. It’s like saying, sure, we don’t mind dogs, we love dogs — but leave that mongrel outside. All anyone hears is “hate the sinner with this sin.” It’s getting pretty old. I’m not saying that they have to change their theological stance, but… don’t they have to at least be gracious?’ (http://subversiveinfluence.com/2006/01/the-church-the-activists-and-the-homosexual-question/)

This statement is so intrinsically flawed particularly in its application to homosexuality that it deserves some treatment. So in good ‘sermon’ mode here’s 3 simple points to get us thinking. (else this will end up being a very long post).

1. Why just homosexuality? I’ve never heard this line used in any other discussion except when addressing the ‘issue’ of homosexuality in the church. Why is it so? I’m perplexed how some ‘sin’ gets the ‘steroid’ treatment and others we happily overlook everyday. Maybe the statement would irk me less if it was used for all of us. Eg: for our brother who lives in a multi-million dollar mansion when millions starve each day… Yes brother I love you but I hate your sin... the sister who is obsessed with her self image and spends hours and half her income on fashion and makeup… Yes sister I love you but I hate your sin… or maybe the church in general who focus generally 90%+ of their budget on their building, staff and sound systems… Yes brothers and sisters I love you but I hate your sin. I could go on and on … but we don’t do that though do we? … it’s as if the only sin God cares about are those of the GLBT community.

2. It puts the speaker on a pedestal. (putting on my pious voice here) ‘Oh yes I can bring myself to love you sinner but I hate your sin’ aaarrrgh Jesus must be cringing… News flash: we all sin !! Don’t forget your origins! ‘For all have sinned’… ‘forgive as you have been forgiven’… ‘do not look at the splinter in your brothers eye when you have a log in your own.’ Jesus was very specific in his teaching on this. IMHO most of the western church has a massive log in it’s eye… never forget to forgive as you yourself have been forgiven… we don’t want to be unmerciful servants now do we? Some of the most loving gracious and giving people I know happen to be gay and Christian… so why are they so targeted.

3. Irrepairable damage. Finally… the damage done by the church toward the homosexual community is so great the divide has become unfathomable. How does this statement help the church to bring us closer to a point where we see each other as sinful equals who need the love and grace of God whether we’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender (GLBT), materialist, fornicator, luster, obese, self obsessed, selfish, liar, murderer, tax evader blah blah blah…


I believe the church needs to find a new paradigm and one that fits my previous post of the GLBT community as our neighbours. So what is my plea for a new paradigm for the church and the GLBT community? … Wait for it … it may take some time to digest…it’s pretty complex…

LOVE!!

Forget the rest of the phrase just try sticking with the first word… that’s it… simple isn’t it… LOVE!!! It’s hard to do, especially if you’re burdened with your own historical and cultural prejudice but it’s what we’re meant to do and what we’re meant to be known by… hmmm epic fail to date …

So when you’re next thinking about this one… just use the first word… LOVE!!!

Cheers all… Scott

PS – Note I have deliberately steered clear in this post of the varying discussions around whether homosexuality is a sin or not. If you read my ‘What about me?’ post I have already declared my ‘liberal’ stance on that... but for this post I’m assuming the evangelical position that it is sinful and despite that stance the paradigm needs urgent attention.

feedback, response and where to from here :)

Hi all,

I've had some responses re: my 'gay in the life of a minister' post with some people feeling I was too generous in my support of homosexuality and the need for greater love to this community. Here's some of my replies:

1. thanks for clearing up but yes I'm not gay :)
2. My suggestion around 'support' is because I believe it's time we understood just how alienated and abusive we have been in our treatment of the GLBT (gay/lesbian/bi-sexual/transgender) community.. they are our neighbours and are loved by God. If we tilt the ledger too much the other way a little maybe things will balance up.
3. I believe we need to adopt a new paradigm for this as a movement. The old "love the sinner hate the sin" just doesn't cut it...after all that applies to all of us... we're all sinners now and always... just saved by the grace of God and his sacrifice.
4. I am aware of at least two people who have suicided because they found their own struggle with this and the non-loving support from the church too hard to bear. This is a tragedy and I believe we share the blame.
5. Not all of the scars of sin can be cured here on earth... yes some healing often takes place but it's not 100% eg: intersexed people... look them up if you;re not aware that 1 in 5000 are born neither male or female.
6. This is a little personal for me as I have friends who love God, are gay and Christian yet will never set foot in another church because of what they've experienced.
7. Why do we get so hung up on this 'sin'? (or possibly result of centuries of sin) and yet we seem to not care about consumerism, materialsm etc. which is far more rife within our churches.
8. I confess i do not believe homosexuality to be directly sinful... I don't believe it is as God designed it but I believe most of creation is wearing the scars of thousands of years of sin... it is a terrible cross for people to bear and all we do is make it harder for them to know God. When you hear some of these peoples stories it will make you weep. Gods love and grace is for all.

I pray you will find a way to connect with the pain of this comunity and at least think beyond what appears to be black and white on the surface.

OK - so what's next for the blog. Given the feedback I plan a post on "Love the sinner, hate the sin: plea for a new paradigm"... but the blog will be about more than just a treatise on the issue of homosexuality.... and there's more of my story to tell yet... watch this space and tell your friends:)

See ya in heaven if not here on earth :)

A gay in the life of a minister: a modern day parable

A minister was walking through the city on his way home when a gang attacked him. They kicked and beat him, stole his wallet, watch and even his clothes. They left him dying and bleeding on the road… they had taken everything.

A local priest walked near and, seeing the dying man, quickly crossed to the other side of the road …after all he was due at the church soon to run confession.

A lay Pentecostal minister upon seeing the man did the same thing… offering a quick prayer to appease his conscience as he crossed on the other side. God would understand...he was a busy man with a large ministry team to look after.

Next came a local gay activist. Only two weeks before he’d been denied communion by the very minister lying before him. He went to him, stopped the bleeding with his shirt and took off his coat to keep the dying man warm. He picked him up, put him in his car despite the fresh blood soaking the car seats and drove him to the nearest hospital where he stayed with him during the night.

The next day he gave the hospital staff $300 to give to the man for new clothes giving them his credit card details in case he needed more.

So who was a neighbour to the bashed minister?

OK so we’ve all heard this story before in a slightly different version. Then it was the ‘despised’ Samaritan who got voted in as best neighbour… this new version isn’t really all that shocking… is it? so what am I trying to say? What was Jesus trying to say?

I’ve often wondered who the modern day equivalents are to some of Jesus’ parables. A number of years ago I read a book called ‘One Blood’ about the history of mission to the Australian aboriginals (which the church really stuffed up in its arrogance) and 100 years ago I’d have suggested sub’ing the indigenous for the Samaritans. They were despised, seen as ‘evil’ lesser human beings and terribly mistreated…much like the modern gay/lesbian by the church (and ‘redneck’ society in general).

The context for Jesus parable was teaching around the greatest commandment… “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind; and love your neighbour as yourself.” This was “more important than all burnt offerings or sacrifices”… or to translate to modern times more important than church buildings, services, music, PA’s, communion, bible studies etc.

LOVE LOVE LOVE ...EVERYONE EVERYONE EVERYONE… AS YOURSELF AS YOURSELF AS YOURSELF. MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING CHURCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING CHURCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING CHURCH

My point is IMHO our modern western evangelical churches, and yes most of those in them, have lost the ‘heart’, the ‘love’, the ‘grace’ to all people, all of creation, all of the time. Instead they're busy focussed on buildings, awesome music, services, attendances, key success criteria, baptisms etc. Yet the very heart of the matter is what it’s all about…

When was the last time you donated to AIDS care, attended a gay/lesbian rally to show your support for those who are alienated from our society or even allowed yourself to see the gay community as your neighbour? Have you ever listened to a gay friend's story or supported the campain against the 'corrective' rape of lesbian women by religious zealots in South Africa? What's got your priority? Love God and love your neighbour as yourself… simple really!

Cheers again Scott :)

What about me? (no not the Shannon Noll song)

A little background on me … I might include some more detail in later posts on certain parts but to keep this kinda short I’ll give you a summary.

I was raised the youngest of three boys, my father was (is retired now) a Churches of Christ minister. My mother is a trained nurse. Both of my brothers are now senior pastors of churches in NSW and QLD. I am married with four beautiful children aged 5 to 14.

I have a degree in ministry (B.Min) and an Associate Diploma in Technology Management and have worked in IT on and off as a manager for 20 years or so.

I have also worked on staff with two churches; most recently with a Vineyard church plant in Melbourne as the worship pastor. I resigned when my marriage started to fall apart and was working through the gender issue in depth. I studied my degree in ministry at Tabor College 1998-2000.

OK now for the big one. About 5-6 years ago I was formally diagnosed in the extreme category with Gender Dysphoria (also known as Gender Identity Disorder and sometimes Transgender) This needs a whole post (or 1000) to explain and I’m not sure yet how much I wish to expose here but in short it means my brain is wired like a female yet I have a male body… weird I know… try being it. This is something I have lived with all my life since birth and has been the source of immense pain throughout my life. It is estimated that 1 in 7 people with this condition end their life in suicide and so it can be tragic and easily misunderstood.

It is not something I choose or have chosen, it is not simply a matter of nurture; it is just a matter of ‘being’ for me. It is and has been prevalent in most cultures throughout history and I see it as another form of ‘mutation’ of humanity in the same way as 1 in 5000 are born intersexed… as in neither male nor female (in primary sex characteristics and chromosomally.

We are so conditioned in the church to think that everything is (or at least can be perfect) as in the way God created it yet all of our world and humanity is deeply scarred and in my opinion will only truly be healed after this life, if ever.

This will help you understand much of my life experience, my empathy to others who are born ‘different’ and my cry to the church to rethink their approach to things that do not fit in their worldview. I'm not personally in the least bit gay... this is not a sexuality condition but a gender identity one. However I do not believe same-sex sexuality is chosen either. I have many gay and lesbian friends who are beautiful people, many whom have deeply suffered rejection, humiliation and judgement from their families, society and the church. It is not something you would choose... how many of us can remember ‘deciding’ to be hetero-sexual?? … it’s a nonsensical concept IMHO. We all deserve the same love and grace that is offered to all of ‘creation’.

Finally, In addition if you're interested, a scientific study 1995 was performed around the BSTc area of the brain and it;s relationship to Gender Dysphoria sufferers... basically males have a BSTc size in their brains that is 70% larger than females... this area is key for gender, sex identity etc, .. Transgender people have been found to be the only males with a BSTc size the same or smaller than females. It is expected this happens in-utero... ie: we're born with gender brain characteristics of females but the body of a male. Hence why we relate and think more like females but are physically male.

This has had a big impact on my marriage and Lisa and I are still trying to work out how it works but we love each other and enjoy life together. Lisa more than anyone understands how this just ‘is me’. Currently my wife is studying nursing whilst I am a house’wife’ looking after our house and family and it is going well for us. My two eldest children know of my condition in some depth and my two youngest know that their dad is quite ‘girly’. All of my good friends know and I am very open about it these days. I am also a part time musician; playing guitar, piano and singing around Victoria for our supper ☺… The future is always in motion.

So this blog has been influenced a lot by my life… it should it’s my blog. I believe firmly western Christianity has lost the plot and essence of what Jesus was on about and it is hanging by a thread … but more on that in the blog.

Cheers all… Scott

Un-sync-able? .. Unthinkable!

So how could this happen to me? Here I was a third generation Christian, son and brother of full time ministers, a trained minister working part time as a pastor and yet my world was quietly and gently disintegrating. At the time so many things were not adding up and were falling apart… I was finding more and more that western evangelicalism was a bitter pill to swallow, I was getting frustrated about things that seemed wrong, I felt there were imbalances, injustices and amidst this my personal life was in serious peril. My marriage went through a four-year separation; I resigned as a pastor and was (at last) formally diagnosed with a significant gender ‘disorder’ that had been part of my life since birth.

Where was I to go from there? Whilst all that happened a number of years ago (My wife and I are now back together), the feeling of being ‘out of sync’ has only grown and whilst I could never have guessed that this would happen to me, I am learning to embrace this idea of being ‘un-sync-able’. I don’t really ‘fit in’ or think ‘normally’ but when I look at the life of Jesus for example (amongst other great paradigm blasters) I realise he was out of sync with pretty much everything but his Father. He was at odds with his church, its leaders, its theology and set about to show love and grace to the very people who his church had forgotten. Quite an inspirational dude really.

So enough of this wordy introduction… there’ll be some juicy controversial posts in the future…(eg: “a gay in the life of a minister: a modern day parable” and I’ll include one that gives the basic “Scott White” story …

For now though I’m going to stay UN-SYNC-ABLE, continue to try and make sense of all that is (whilst staying relatively sane) and keep to my life themes of love and grace. Catch you soon… all feedback welcome ☺