more about me.. a little self indulgence

Two posts in one day? surely not.. oh well...

Lately I've been sharing a litle about myself and my experiences with being transgendered and Christian in a variety of places... some to my family, others to people I don't know. I thought they were worthwhile sharing as they give you a greater insight into me, my struggles and even Lisa (my wife's) experiences with being married to someone who is transgendered.

Hope you enjoy... remember these thoughts/posts were in blogs etc with a Christian context hence the language :)

A. ABOUT ME:
I'm passionate yet frightened, gracious and loving and yet judgemental and angry, strangely fickle yet fiercely loyal. I want to understand and yet be understood, to embrace and be embraced, to love and be loved. Quite a quandary... think of your typical woman if there's such a thing and you'll be close to the mark (think of Alanis Morisette's 'Hand in my Pocket')... Lisa's been trying to work me out for years and she's female :) (PS - she just laughed when I read that out.. she wholewheartedly agrees)... I can sadly be a grumpy vindictive bitch when scorned/crossed... but it generally doesn;t last that long...I'm learning.

As to what I'm on about... many things and yet sometimes nothing (see previous paragraph):
I feel very passionate about issues of significant inequality especially the more I deal with and befriend other LGBT folk , hear their stories, feel their pain and the abuse they have encountered and continue to encounter. Every time I hear of someone who has suicided or other cases of abuse, from church and non-church alike I am brought to tears and want to see the world love and get along without bias.

I do want fellow Christians to not 'exclude' them because they're too hard or because of a belief around morality/sin. They are people with issues, loves, gifts, hurts and are loved and created by God and many of them have so much to give to the world. There is a huge 'ministry' of love and care (not evangelistic) to these people. Sadly so many TG people kill themselves.. I know of a few already. It breaks my heart as I know of some of their pain and journeys.

So that's me.. creative, nurturing, manic, depressed, idealistic, wounded... and difficult. Befriend me at your peril :)

B. SOME THOUGHTS ON TRANSGENDERISM AND CHRISTIANITY:
hmmm ... God doesn't make mistakes huh? No... but what of the child born prem who dies at -2 weeks?, of the child born with autism or no limbs? What about the intersexed person born physically female (to the eye) but when she reaches age 18 and still hasn;t had her period (yet has a physically female appearance breasts and all) finds out she is chromosonally neither male nor female and has inner testes that don;t work but the physical appearance, estrogen, hips, breasts of a woman and is known as such. What choice should she make?

Please look beyond your own safe and sheltered worlds to the realities of what so many people need to live with. Only a small precentage of people in this world have the luxury of being middle class, well off, well educated, 'normal' human beings. I am a MTF transgender christian and my wife and I both know that I have the brain, personality etc. of a woman and have had for as long as I have a memory yet I was born with an anatomically non-matching body.

It is a very painful condition, one I would not wish on anyone, least of all myself. There is no sexual fetish or deviance associated with it (in my case at least) other than I am basically a-sexual or not interested. It s not a sin condition but a condition of being, of birth and of genetics. We must remember that we live in a world that is the result of thousands of years of sin and far from perfect. We all need to find a way to continue to find grace, love, peace and forgivensss in the midst of living with the consequences of a less than perfect and sinful world.

PLEASE CONSIDER AND PRAY FOR GRACE. The suicide rate of tg people is estimated as up to 70%.... well above the normal range... mostly because of people's insenstitivity and lack of understanding.

Since when has counselling re-grown an arm that was never there, healed down syndrome or fixed a terminal tumour??? Transgenderism is biological... I am convinced being born that way myself. It's a sign of western modernity that considers cognition as the ultimate. Knowledge isn;t everything... some things are real... you wouldn;t wish this on your worst enemy and trust me I have been through 8 counsellors a number of exorcists etc and funnily enough they can;t fix what is essentially created/biological.... plus I like me... I'm a lovely, gracious, giving, sensitive and forgiving person :|

Sometimes hardship is just a result of the effects of all of us human beings living with the consequences of other peoples poor decisions... ie: the death of a father who died in a crash from a drink driver.... other times it is the result of years of sin and imperfection in the world. there is so much more than simple 1+1, black vs white mathematics... God however brings us love, joy, grace, peace and forgiveness whatever our circumstances. For me I know He loves me as the woman I am inside and the 'becoming' woman I am outside... I know He loves the person I am and is pleased with so much that I give... God bless

C. AND FINALLY SOME THOUGHTS FROM LISA AND WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A TG:
Hi from Lisa, Ellie Whites wife. Just want to let people know having married this beautiful person as a man 18 years ago and then only 6 years ago discovering why s/he had felt so out of place in this world all of hir (his/her in tg terms) life. There was heartache stress and trauma for me yes but after a lot of self soul searching realized that s/he was still the same person that I had spent my adult life with and had 4 beautiful children with. I now realise that just because he looks like a man (although not for very much longer) he really does think, act and feel like a woman. {More so than me sometimes} God did not make a mistake, s/he is the most caring, giving, loving 'wife' and parent anyone could wish for. I see the hourly struggle, anxiety, pain and suffering s/he goes through in just trying to survive in hir own misfitted body and the rejection, isolation and misunderstanding s/he faces from many others.

And it is true the suicide rate is far too high in this group of beautiful but too often unacceptable people. Ellie has been so close on a few occassions and that is difficult for me to deal with. S/he has felt so much guilt about what myself and hir kids suffer that I have been close to it at times too. Because I then feel guilt cos I don't feel I am being as supportive loving or accepting as I could be. We absolutely love each other but it doesn't mean we don't struggle with it constantly. This is not a 'normal' situation and no-one really understands so please anyone out there who calls themselves a christian and loves Jesus, remember every second of every day that in this society #particularly christian circles# we struggle with peoples uneducated fundamental views and that hurts us to the core. All we ask is to be shown grace, love and understanding.

This is by no means a choice!!!!!!!! If it were I can assure you my beautiful partner WOULD NOT CHOOSE to walk this daily path of pain, anguish and rejection. Lastly I want to share that I have come from a very conservative background and God has graciously given me an extremely loving and caring 'wife' which has helped me to adjust my black and white attitudes and give me a life of learning challenges. It has not always been a nice road but I am incredibly thankful for the beautiful partner I have and the beautiful marriage we share #most of the time.# So if I can come full circle on many of my attitudes I can assure you, you can too. Please think about how you treat #judge# these beautiful but so often tormented souls. Luv to all from Lisa

ode to kimberly reed... a new song

Hi again... I've added the mp3 recorded today of the song 'Kimberly' ... hope you like it

cheers...

Hi there all,

Just a quick post this time. I recently saw an interview with Kimberly Reed (MTF transgender lesbian filmmaker... now there's a title for you ..hehe) on Oprah of all shows and it really touched my heart.

Her story is not that different to mine but her courage to find her way to freedom is awesomely inspiring and I shed so many tears and still do even typing this... making a habit of that lately :? I was so inspired and 'moved' through that interview that I've even re-named my guitar after her... trust me that's a true honour :)

Anyway... out of it came this song. I'll post the lyrics now and try and record it for you in the coming few days (maybe week) and post it up too... love ya all and thanks for listening:

KIMBERLY – Scott White

(ode to Kimberly Reed)

You were born a boy

But that label never fit you

Though you tried to play their game

How’d it make you feel?

When you gazed into the looking glass

What picture did you see?

CHORUS:

Oh Kimberley

Your elegance and grace

It inspires me

When I look upon your face

It amazes me

The courage that you’ve shown to be free

You bring hope into my soul

Oh Kimberley

When did you decide?

To walk this rugged pathway

So you could be complete

Was someone by your side?

To hold you in the shadows

While you fought your way to light

Sharing a song - I Cry (by Me)

Following up on yesterdays personal post (and after hours of working out how) I've posted a song of mine written a number of years ago based on living with GID... just press the play button on the top right of the blog. I have many songs if you're interested some of which can be found on my myspace music site. www.myspace.com/scottwhite5

I CRY- Scott White

Do you know what it’s like
To never measure up
Do you know how it feels
To know you don’t belong

Oh I am not like you.. oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul

I can never hope to be
What you’re wanting me to be
It’s a physical
Impossibility

Oh I am not like you oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul
(rpt)

What about me 2? (whats it like to have GID?)

Time to get off my high horse soapbox for a minute and get a little personal. I’ve been encouraged to do this by a friend who suggested it might help someone out there who’s dealing with similar issues. If you don’t want to know the details then don’t read this. I’ve been asked this question ‘what’s it like?’ a lot and I have to admit it’s a really tough one to answer. In a sense I know of no other way to be… it’s just ‘me’ but I do know I’m different and generally don’t fit in. Let me put some examples out there and ramble for a bit…

As a young child I liked to play mostly with the girls (almost all my friends were and still are girls), enjoyed creative games and music and never liked the rough and tumble side of ‘boy’ play… I’m completely non-competitive. I don’t think like a guy (funny that :?) …when I see a woman walking down the street I don’t have ‘sexual or lustful thoughts’ but instead notice her lovely earrings, that her lipstick matches her top, admire the material and cut of her skirt and wonder why she chose those shoes that day... they just sooo don’t go with the outfit. (and no I’m not gay) I’m nurturing, gentle, loving, creative, generous, giving and a pacifist but this doesn’t tell you much.

I remember as a very young boy sitting in the bath and seeing my perineum (look it up if you don’t know… I certainly didn’t know back then) and thinking that this is where my girls parts must have been once but had been sewn up. THe perineum was the scar. I wondered if it would sort itself out. I prayed regularly maybe around ages 8-14 that God would ‘fix’ me and I would wake up in the right body. (ie: that of a female) I have a general ‘dislike’ (hmmm OK ‘disgust’ is a better word) for the male body especially mine and I don’t like to ‘acknowledge’ certain parts of my own anatomy. In fact I don’t generally feel comfortable (almost scared) around guys and often find myself putting on a ‘fake’ persona of ‘blokeiness’ around blokey men in order to feel less threatened. I hate looking at my body in the mirror or in photos…

I keep looking at my face in the mirror to see glimpses of the ‘girl’ I feel inside… for any signs of femininity… feeling elated if I find it and crushed when I don’t. I’m more often than not crushed as time goes by.

In counselling with Lisa recently we were asked what I do that is perhaps more typically male or done in a male way. Neither Lisa nor I could think of anything.

I dress a little androgynously but not much… mostly non-‘blokey’ but not obviously female… this is not a cross-dressing or fetishistic issue. I wear a lot of jewellery and look after my hair and skin. I keep my legs and underarms shaved and tidy my brows. Lisa and I share a hair dye once a month ☺

I suffer from depression as I have this constant grief / dysphoria (opposite of euphoria) over being physically male (not being female). I hate it and every mirror reminds me among other things... If I could have been born female or there was any way I could be without hurt to my family I would.

I think of suicide on a regular basis, numerous times a week, mostly nights when I ‘stop’ running around and distracting myself. I constantly remind myself of my children and my wife who love and need me. Some days I feel I can’t do it anymore… it hurts too much. Death will bring ultimate peace for someone with GID.

I’m not very ‘sexual’… it’s difficult to be that interested in something when it involves parts of your body that you aren’t fond of. That said, I have four kids so obviously it can physically happen but lets not go there.

In short it is a painful way to live and there are few options… I spend an exorbitant amount of energy keeping myself manically busy to provide a daily distraction. Yes it is often difficut but if you’re thinking it’s hard for me please spare a thought for my loving and faithful wife who stands by me and walks with me each day... wherever that leads us we don’t really know.

Cheers all… if anyone wants to know more… let me know.

Scott

"Love the sinner hate the sin" : Plea for new paradigm

Hi all... after some feedback I have decided to post this post which I had originally planned for down the track. Note I’m still on the ‘Church approach to the GLBT community’ topic but there’s lots of other topics planned. If you’re one of those who thinks gay people are the spawn of Satan and beyond love then I suggest you move on and come back later … ☺

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the line “love the sinner, hate the sin” when the topic of homosexuality comes up I’d be a rich man (or at least have enough to pay my bills). It seems to be an ‘easy’ response to the situation but one that irks me considerably. I recently came upon this quote from another blog that I found hits the target:

‘I don’t think they could begin to understand how “love the sinner, hate the sin” doesn’t cut it with this community. It’s like saying, sure, we don’t mind dogs, we love dogs — but leave that mongrel outside. All anyone hears is “hate the sinner with this sin.” It’s getting pretty old. I’m not saying that they have to change their theological stance, but… don’t they have to at least be gracious?’ (http://subversiveinfluence.com/2006/01/the-church-the-activists-and-the-homosexual-question/)

This statement is so intrinsically flawed particularly in its application to homosexuality that it deserves some treatment. So in good ‘sermon’ mode here’s 3 simple points to get us thinking. (else this will end up being a very long post).

1. Why just homosexuality? I’ve never heard this line used in any other discussion except when addressing the ‘issue’ of homosexuality in the church. Why is it so? I’m perplexed how some ‘sin’ gets the ‘steroid’ treatment and others we happily overlook everyday. Maybe the statement would irk me less if it was used for all of us. Eg: for our brother who lives in a multi-million dollar mansion when millions starve each day… Yes brother I love you but I hate your sin... the sister who is obsessed with her self image and spends hours and half her income on fashion and makeup… Yes sister I love you but I hate your sin… or maybe the church in general who focus generally 90%+ of their budget on their building, staff and sound systems… Yes brothers and sisters I love you but I hate your sin. I could go on and on … but we don’t do that though do we? … it’s as if the only sin God cares about are those of the GLBT community.

2. It puts the speaker on a pedestal. (putting on my pious voice here) ‘Oh yes I can bring myself to love you sinner but I hate your sin’ aaarrrgh Jesus must be cringing… News flash: we all sin !! Don’t forget your origins! ‘For all have sinned’… ‘forgive as you have been forgiven’… ‘do not look at the splinter in your brothers eye when you have a log in your own.’ Jesus was very specific in his teaching on this. IMHO most of the western church has a massive log in it’s eye… never forget to forgive as you yourself have been forgiven… we don’t want to be unmerciful servants now do we? Some of the most loving gracious and giving people I know happen to be gay and Christian… so why are they so targeted.

3. Irrepairable damage. Finally… the damage done by the church toward the homosexual community is so great the divide has become unfathomable. How does this statement help the church to bring us closer to a point where we see each other as sinful equals who need the love and grace of God whether we’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender (GLBT), materialist, fornicator, luster, obese, self obsessed, selfish, liar, murderer, tax evader blah blah blah…


I believe the church needs to find a new paradigm and one that fits my previous post of the GLBT community as our neighbours. So what is my plea for a new paradigm for the church and the GLBT community? … Wait for it … it may take some time to digest…it’s pretty complex…

LOVE!!

Forget the rest of the phrase just try sticking with the first word… that’s it… simple isn’t it… LOVE!!! It’s hard to do, especially if you’re burdened with your own historical and cultural prejudice but it’s what we’re meant to do and what we’re meant to be known by… hmmm epic fail to date …

So when you’re next thinking about this one… just use the first word… LOVE!!!

Cheers all… Scott

PS – Note I have deliberately steered clear in this post of the varying discussions around whether homosexuality is a sin or not. If you read my ‘What about me?’ post I have already declared my ‘liberal’ stance on that... but for this post I’m assuming the evangelical position that it is sinful and despite that stance the paradigm needs urgent attention.

What about me? (no not the Shannon Noll song)

A little background on me … I might include some more detail in later posts on certain parts but to keep this kinda short I’ll give you a summary.

I was raised the youngest of three boys, my father was (is retired now) a Churches of Christ minister. My mother is a trained nurse. Both of my brothers are now senior pastors of churches in NSW and QLD. I am married with four beautiful children aged 5 to 14.

I have a degree in ministry (B.Min) and an Associate Diploma in Technology Management and have worked in IT on and off as a manager for 20 years or so.

I have also worked on staff with two churches; most recently with a Vineyard church plant in Melbourne as the worship pastor. I resigned when my marriage started to fall apart and was working through the gender issue in depth. I studied my degree in ministry at Tabor College 1998-2000.

OK now for the big one. About 5-6 years ago I was formally diagnosed in the extreme category with Gender Dysphoria (also known as Gender Identity Disorder and sometimes Transgender) This needs a whole post (or 1000) to explain and I’m not sure yet how much I wish to expose here but in short it means my brain is wired like a female yet I have a male body… weird I know… try being it. This is something I have lived with all my life since birth and has been the source of immense pain throughout my life. It is estimated that 1 in 7 people with this condition end their life in suicide and so it can be tragic and easily misunderstood.

It is not something I choose or have chosen, it is not simply a matter of nurture; it is just a matter of ‘being’ for me. It is and has been prevalent in most cultures throughout history and I see it as another form of ‘mutation’ of humanity in the same way as 1 in 5000 are born intersexed… as in neither male nor female (in primary sex characteristics and chromosomally.

We are so conditioned in the church to think that everything is (or at least can be perfect) as in the way God created it yet all of our world and humanity is deeply scarred and in my opinion will only truly be healed after this life, if ever.

This will help you understand much of my life experience, my empathy to others who are born ‘different’ and my cry to the church to rethink their approach to things that do not fit in their worldview. I'm not personally in the least bit gay... this is not a sexuality condition but a gender identity one. However I do not believe same-sex sexuality is chosen either. I have many gay and lesbian friends who are beautiful people, many whom have deeply suffered rejection, humiliation and judgement from their families, society and the church. It is not something you would choose... how many of us can remember ‘deciding’ to be hetero-sexual?? … it’s a nonsensical concept IMHO. We all deserve the same love and grace that is offered to all of ‘creation’.

Finally, In addition if you're interested, a scientific study 1995 was performed around the BSTc area of the brain and it;s relationship to Gender Dysphoria sufferers... basically males have a BSTc size in their brains that is 70% larger than females... this area is key for gender, sex identity etc, .. Transgender people have been found to be the only males with a BSTc size the same or smaller than females. It is expected this happens in-utero... ie: we're born with gender brain characteristics of females but the body of a male. Hence why we relate and think more like females but are physically male.

This has had a big impact on my marriage and Lisa and I are still trying to work out how it works but we love each other and enjoy life together. Lisa more than anyone understands how this just ‘is me’. Currently my wife is studying nursing whilst I am a house’wife’ looking after our house and family and it is going well for us. My two eldest children know of my condition in some depth and my two youngest know that their dad is quite ‘girly’. All of my good friends know and I am very open about it these days. I am also a part time musician; playing guitar, piano and singing around Victoria for our supper ☺… The future is always in motion.

So this blog has been influenced a lot by my life… it should it’s my blog. I believe firmly western Christianity has lost the plot and essence of what Jesus was on about and it is hanging by a thread … but more on that in the blog.

Cheers all… Scott