Sharing a song - I Cry (by Me)

Following up on yesterdays personal post (and after hours of working out how) I've posted a song of mine written a number of years ago based on living with GID... just press the play button on the top right of the blog. I have many songs if you're interested some of which can be found on my myspace music site. www.myspace.com/scottwhite5

I CRY- Scott White

Do you know what it’s like
To never measure up
Do you know how it feels
To know you don’t belong

Oh I am not like you.. oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul

I can never hope to be
What you’re wanting me to be
It’s a physical
Impossibility

Oh I am not like you oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul
(rpt)

What about me 2? (whats it like to have GID?)

Time to get off my high horse soapbox for a minute and get a little personal. I’ve been encouraged to do this by a friend who suggested it might help someone out there who’s dealing with similar issues. If you don’t want to know the details then don’t read this. I’ve been asked this question ‘what’s it like?’ a lot and I have to admit it’s a really tough one to answer. In a sense I know of no other way to be… it’s just ‘me’ but I do know I’m different and generally don’t fit in. Let me put some examples out there and ramble for a bit…

As a young child I liked to play mostly with the girls (almost all my friends were and still are girls), enjoyed creative games and music and never liked the rough and tumble side of ‘boy’ play… I’m completely non-competitive. I don’t think like a guy (funny that :?) …when I see a woman walking down the street I don’t have ‘sexual or lustful thoughts’ but instead notice her lovely earrings, that her lipstick matches her top, admire the material and cut of her skirt and wonder why she chose those shoes that day... they just sooo don’t go with the outfit. (and no I’m not gay) I’m nurturing, gentle, loving, creative, generous, giving and a pacifist but this doesn’t tell you much.

I remember as a very young boy sitting in the bath and seeing my perineum (look it up if you don’t know… I certainly didn’t know back then) and thinking that this is where my girls parts must have been once but had been sewn up. THe perineum was the scar. I wondered if it would sort itself out. I prayed regularly maybe around ages 8-14 that God would ‘fix’ me and I would wake up in the right body. (ie: that of a female) I have a general ‘dislike’ (hmmm OK ‘disgust’ is a better word) for the male body especially mine and I don’t like to ‘acknowledge’ certain parts of my own anatomy. In fact I don’t generally feel comfortable (almost scared) around guys and often find myself putting on a ‘fake’ persona of ‘blokeiness’ around blokey men in order to feel less threatened. I hate looking at my body in the mirror or in photos…

I keep looking at my face in the mirror to see glimpses of the ‘girl’ I feel inside… for any signs of femininity… feeling elated if I find it and crushed when I don’t. I’m more often than not crushed as time goes by.

In counselling with Lisa recently we were asked what I do that is perhaps more typically male or done in a male way. Neither Lisa nor I could think of anything.

I dress a little androgynously but not much… mostly non-‘blokey’ but not obviously female… this is not a cross-dressing or fetishistic issue. I wear a lot of jewellery and look after my hair and skin. I keep my legs and underarms shaved and tidy my brows. Lisa and I share a hair dye once a month ☺

I suffer from depression as I have this constant grief / dysphoria (opposite of euphoria) over being physically male (not being female). I hate it and every mirror reminds me among other things... If I could have been born female or there was any way I could be without hurt to my family I would.

I think of suicide on a regular basis, numerous times a week, mostly nights when I ‘stop’ running around and distracting myself. I constantly remind myself of my children and my wife who love and need me. Some days I feel I can’t do it anymore… it hurts too much. Death will bring ultimate peace for someone with GID.

I’m not very ‘sexual’… it’s difficult to be that interested in something when it involves parts of your body that you aren’t fond of. That said, I have four kids so obviously it can physically happen but lets not go there.

In short it is a painful way to live and there are few options… I spend an exorbitant amount of energy keeping myself manically busy to provide a daily distraction. Yes it is often difficut but if you’re thinking it’s hard for me please spare a thought for my loving and faithful wife who stands by me and walks with me each day... wherever that leads us we don’t really know.

Cheers all… if anyone wants to know more… let me know.

Scott