more about me.. a little self indulgence

Two posts in one day? surely not.. oh well...

Lately I've been sharing a litle about myself and my experiences with being transgendered and Christian in a variety of places... some to my family, others to people I don't know. I thought they were worthwhile sharing as they give you a greater insight into me, my struggles and even Lisa (my wife's) experiences with being married to someone who is transgendered.

Hope you enjoy... remember these thoughts/posts were in blogs etc with a Christian context hence the language :)

A. ABOUT ME:
I'm passionate yet frightened, gracious and loving and yet judgemental and angry, strangely fickle yet fiercely loyal. I want to understand and yet be understood, to embrace and be embraced, to love and be loved. Quite a quandary... think of your typical woman if there's such a thing and you'll be close to the mark (think of Alanis Morisette's 'Hand in my Pocket')... Lisa's been trying to work me out for years and she's female :) (PS - she just laughed when I read that out.. she wholewheartedly agrees)... I can sadly be a grumpy vindictive bitch when scorned/crossed... but it generally doesn;t last that long...I'm learning.

As to what I'm on about... many things and yet sometimes nothing (see previous paragraph):
I feel very passionate about issues of significant inequality especially the more I deal with and befriend other LGBT folk , hear their stories, feel their pain and the abuse they have encountered and continue to encounter. Every time I hear of someone who has suicided or other cases of abuse, from church and non-church alike I am brought to tears and want to see the world love and get along without bias.

I do want fellow Christians to not 'exclude' them because they're too hard or because of a belief around morality/sin. They are people with issues, loves, gifts, hurts and are loved and created by God and many of them have so much to give to the world. There is a huge 'ministry' of love and care (not evangelistic) to these people. Sadly so many TG people kill themselves.. I know of a few already. It breaks my heart as I know of some of their pain and journeys.

So that's me.. creative, nurturing, manic, depressed, idealistic, wounded... and difficult. Befriend me at your peril :)

B. SOME THOUGHTS ON TRANSGENDERISM AND CHRISTIANITY:
hmmm ... God doesn't make mistakes huh? No... but what of the child born prem who dies at -2 weeks?, of the child born with autism or no limbs? What about the intersexed person born physically female (to the eye) but when she reaches age 18 and still hasn;t had her period (yet has a physically female appearance breasts and all) finds out she is chromosonally neither male nor female and has inner testes that don;t work but the physical appearance, estrogen, hips, breasts of a woman and is known as such. What choice should she make?

Please look beyond your own safe and sheltered worlds to the realities of what so many people need to live with. Only a small precentage of people in this world have the luxury of being middle class, well off, well educated, 'normal' human beings. I am a MTF transgender christian and my wife and I both know that I have the brain, personality etc. of a woman and have had for as long as I have a memory yet I was born with an anatomically non-matching body.

It is a very painful condition, one I would not wish on anyone, least of all myself. There is no sexual fetish or deviance associated with it (in my case at least) other than I am basically a-sexual or not interested. It s not a sin condition but a condition of being, of birth and of genetics. We must remember that we live in a world that is the result of thousands of years of sin and far from perfect. We all need to find a way to continue to find grace, love, peace and forgivensss in the midst of living with the consequences of a less than perfect and sinful world.

PLEASE CONSIDER AND PRAY FOR GRACE. The suicide rate of tg people is estimated as up to 70%.... well above the normal range... mostly because of people's insenstitivity and lack of understanding.

Since when has counselling re-grown an arm that was never there, healed down syndrome or fixed a terminal tumour??? Transgenderism is biological... I am convinced being born that way myself. It's a sign of western modernity that considers cognition as the ultimate. Knowledge isn;t everything... some things are real... you wouldn;t wish this on your worst enemy and trust me I have been through 8 counsellors a number of exorcists etc and funnily enough they can;t fix what is essentially created/biological.... plus I like me... I'm a lovely, gracious, giving, sensitive and forgiving person :|

Sometimes hardship is just a result of the effects of all of us human beings living with the consequences of other peoples poor decisions... ie: the death of a father who died in a crash from a drink driver.... other times it is the result of years of sin and imperfection in the world. there is so much more than simple 1+1, black vs white mathematics... God however brings us love, joy, grace, peace and forgiveness whatever our circumstances. For me I know He loves me as the woman I am inside and the 'becoming' woman I am outside... I know He loves the person I am and is pleased with so much that I give... God bless

C. AND FINALLY SOME THOUGHTS FROM LISA AND WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A TG:
Hi from Lisa, Ellie Whites wife. Just want to let people know having married this beautiful person as a man 18 years ago and then only 6 years ago discovering why s/he had felt so out of place in this world all of hir (his/her in tg terms) life. There was heartache stress and trauma for me yes but after a lot of self soul searching realized that s/he was still the same person that I had spent my adult life with and had 4 beautiful children with. I now realise that just because he looks like a man (although not for very much longer) he really does think, act and feel like a woman. {More so than me sometimes} God did not make a mistake, s/he is the most caring, giving, loving 'wife' and parent anyone could wish for. I see the hourly struggle, anxiety, pain and suffering s/he goes through in just trying to survive in hir own misfitted body and the rejection, isolation and misunderstanding s/he faces from many others.

And it is true the suicide rate is far too high in this group of beautiful but too often unacceptable people. Ellie has been so close on a few occassions and that is difficult for me to deal with. S/he has felt so much guilt about what myself and hir kids suffer that I have been close to it at times too. Because I then feel guilt cos I don't feel I am being as supportive loving or accepting as I could be. We absolutely love each other but it doesn't mean we don't struggle with it constantly. This is not a 'normal' situation and no-one really understands so please anyone out there who calls themselves a christian and loves Jesus, remember every second of every day that in this society #particularly christian circles# we struggle with peoples uneducated fundamental views and that hurts us to the core. All we ask is to be shown grace, love and understanding.

This is by no means a choice!!!!!!!! If it were I can assure you my beautiful partner WOULD NOT CHOOSE to walk this daily path of pain, anguish and rejection. Lastly I want to share that I have come from a very conservative background and God has graciously given me an extremely loving and caring 'wife' which has helped me to adjust my black and white attitudes and give me a life of learning challenges. It has not always been a nice road but I am incredibly thankful for the beautiful partner I have and the beautiful marriage we share #most of the time.# So if I can come full circle on many of my attitudes I can assure you, you can too. Please think about how you treat #judge# these beautiful but so often tormented souls. Luv to all from Lisa

ode to kimberly reed... a new song

Hi again... I've added the mp3 recorded today of the song 'Kimberly' ... hope you like it

cheers...

Hi there all,

Just a quick post this time. I recently saw an interview with Kimberly Reed (MTF transgender lesbian filmmaker... now there's a title for you ..hehe) on Oprah of all shows and it really touched my heart.

Her story is not that different to mine but her courage to find her way to freedom is awesomely inspiring and I shed so many tears and still do even typing this... making a habit of that lately :? I was so inspired and 'moved' through that interview that I've even re-named my guitar after her... trust me that's a true honour :)

Anyway... out of it came this song. I'll post the lyrics now and try and record it for you in the coming few days (maybe week) and post it up too... love ya all and thanks for listening:

KIMBERLY – Scott White

(ode to Kimberly Reed)

You were born a boy

But that label never fit you

Though you tried to play their game

How’d it make you feel?

When you gazed into the looking glass

What picture did you see?

CHORUS:

Oh Kimberley

Your elegance and grace

It inspires me

When I look upon your face

It amazes me

The courage that you’ve shown to be free

You bring hope into my soul

Oh Kimberley

When did you decide?

To walk this rugged pathway

So you could be complete

Was someone by your side?

To hold you in the shadows

While you fought your way to light

The awkward (and often painful) sound of silence

It's been nearly two weeks since I wrote anything in this blog. First let me apologise for the long-ish pause. No it's not because I have nothing left to say. (like that would ever happen :? ) I have some wonderful posts planned. There's a 3-4 part series on "Jesus - What the?' examining the life and ministry of Jesus and discussing the idea that perhaps the modern church is off target with it's target and even a section on Paul called 'A-Paul-ed'. (well it sounded interesting to me... yawn..Zzzz) But I digress...

There are a number of things I didn't quite anticipate when starting this blog thing.

First off it's really draining baring your soul... even if no-one reads your blog it can be a very painful experience just putting it down in words. Sometimes I need time to recover and in this case my depression has been at all time highs (or is that lows) in the past couple of weeks. Hence some of the 'silence'.

Secondly (and how stupid am I) I didn't anticipate my responses to feedback. This has come in from friends, family, people I have never met and people I'm getting to know in cyberspace. There's been encouragement, affirmation, criticism, mild debate etc. which is all good and I expected (and encourage) this.

The one response though that I didn't expect and the one that has been tearing me apart has been that of silence. (hence the 'painful' part of the title) Some people I had hoped would read the things I was writing and perhaps for the first time acknowledge and understand the turmoil that is so often my life have chosen to either 'not read' or worse still 'not comment'. Avoidance and silence can really hurt some times. The result on my fragile emotional state has been quite crushing.

Finally, I wasn't quite ready for the questions it would raise within myself. Being honest with yourself, writing stuff down and wondering where all this might lead can be very confronting. I am such a work in progress. At times this scares me senseless and I want to run away and pretend my GID doesn't exist anymore (which sadly doesn't work).

Anyway, the point of this was really just to point out that I have really appreciated those that have followed my story to date, I have appreciated the feedback and I ask you be patient as I work out what should come next and find the energy, courage and mental health to write it.

I remember someone old once said to me: "That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell, and couldn't see this place would soon become my hell
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face

(Missy Higgins - The Special Two)

Talk soon ... thanks for listening

Scott :)

a little yeast spoils the loaf: a story of abuse

I’ve been asked by a few people where I’m at with the church these days. Fair question really given I used to be a paid pastor and now don’t attend a church... at this point in time anyway. Some of my posts on this blog would also seem to indicate I’m maybe a little ‘disillusioned’ by the western evangelical church… well in short, Yes I am… but here’s kind of part 3 of my story to explain a little.

If you don’t know already from reading previous posts, I’m Gender Dysphoric or transgender…take your pick on the term. A number of years ago I had been a worship co-ordinator at a large church and then recently moved to a Vineyard church plant as the worship pastor. This was largely due to a good friend of ours moving there and we kind of went along with the journey.

I had had a number of counselling sessions with this ‘friend’ over the years to work through this gender thing of mine… it was tough going. During one of these sessions, our last together, we were discussing what it is like to be male and the ‘friend’ decided to show me. He stood up, dropped his pants and waved his ‘male parts’ in my face approx. a foot away. I was horrified and protesting loudly that he stop. He then proceeded to demand that I tell noone about this and that God had been leading him to do this as part of my ‘therapy’ but others would not understand. I was angry, hurt, confused and ashamed. I could not get the horrid image out of my head but due to our ‘friendship’ I chose not to talk about it at the time.

I had also been seeing a leading Melbourne gender therapist who helped me understand the ‘condition’ that I had and for the first time in my life everything started to make sense. A the same time though, my marriage was falling apart.. Lisa was having a tough time with it all amidst her existing chronic depression and she went to stay with this friend and his wife. I had resigned as pastor by this time.

I started to notice that I had little support from those I had previously loved and cared for in my 5 years as pastor. No one called or visited and some completely shut me off. Apparently my ‘friend’ was telling people (and my wife) that I had abandoned counselling with him because I was not prepared to see it through with God and was turning my back on all things Christian. I now know this was part of his manipulation to cover up his tracks and damage any credibility I would have if I told anyone what had happened. Word had quickly spread about my gender condition and rumour had it I was working toward a sex change, which was not on the cards at the time.

A little later I told someone about the 'counselling' incident as part of my story and soon after I was approached to discuss it further as apparently this was not an isolated case. My ‘friend’ had apparently been involved in a number of similar scenarios with a number of people that I will not describe any further. He was challenged by the authorities but by this stage had moved out of the country. He has never apologised or sought forgiveness from me or any of his other victims. He is still practicing counselling with young people in that country.

Meanwhile I continued to get little support from those I had loved and pastored. Lisa was attending the church still with the kids and the general consensus seemed to be that I was out of the loop and had chosen my path. After all those years of friendship and giving of myself…that hurt a great deal.

So my recent experience with church has been one of abuse, judgement and abandonment. What I thought had been a place of love, grace and friendship had turned into a nightmare during one of the most needy times of my life. The loaf had well and truly been spoiled by a little yeast.

These days I’m trying to hold onto what faith I have, search the heart of god to see if there’s a place for me still, understand my GID, question my upbringing and try and find life among the ashes. I’m slowly realising I am not alone in my beliefs, my GID and my experience. God’s love and grace is out there still, albeit in desperate short supply.

If you have experienced abuse from the church or it’s people then I am so sorry this has happened to you. I pray you will find your way toward healing in your journey and find a loving, gracious and tender god at the end of it.

God bless… Scott

Sharing a song - I Cry (by Me)

Following up on yesterdays personal post (and after hours of working out how) I've posted a song of mine written a number of years ago based on living with GID... just press the play button on the top right of the blog. I have many songs if you're interested some of which can be found on my myspace music site. www.myspace.com/scottwhite5

I CRY- Scott White

Do you know what it’s like
To never measure up
Do you know how it feels
To know you don’t belong

Oh I am not like you.. oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul

I can never hope to be
What you’re wanting me to be
It’s a physical
Impossibility

Oh I am not like you oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul
(rpt)

What about me 2? (whats it like to have GID?)

Time to get off my high horse soapbox for a minute and get a little personal. I’ve been encouraged to do this by a friend who suggested it might help someone out there who’s dealing with similar issues. If you don’t want to know the details then don’t read this. I’ve been asked this question ‘what’s it like?’ a lot and I have to admit it’s a really tough one to answer. In a sense I know of no other way to be… it’s just ‘me’ but I do know I’m different and generally don’t fit in. Let me put some examples out there and ramble for a bit…

As a young child I liked to play mostly with the girls (almost all my friends were and still are girls), enjoyed creative games and music and never liked the rough and tumble side of ‘boy’ play… I’m completely non-competitive. I don’t think like a guy (funny that :?) …when I see a woman walking down the street I don’t have ‘sexual or lustful thoughts’ but instead notice her lovely earrings, that her lipstick matches her top, admire the material and cut of her skirt and wonder why she chose those shoes that day... they just sooo don’t go with the outfit. (and no I’m not gay) I’m nurturing, gentle, loving, creative, generous, giving and a pacifist but this doesn’t tell you much.

I remember as a very young boy sitting in the bath and seeing my perineum (look it up if you don’t know… I certainly didn’t know back then) and thinking that this is where my girls parts must have been once but had been sewn up. THe perineum was the scar. I wondered if it would sort itself out. I prayed regularly maybe around ages 8-14 that God would ‘fix’ me and I would wake up in the right body. (ie: that of a female) I have a general ‘dislike’ (hmmm OK ‘disgust’ is a better word) for the male body especially mine and I don’t like to ‘acknowledge’ certain parts of my own anatomy. In fact I don’t generally feel comfortable (almost scared) around guys and often find myself putting on a ‘fake’ persona of ‘blokeiness’ around blokey men in order to feel less threatened. I hate looking at my body in the mirror or in photos…

I keep looking at my face in the mirror to see glimpses of the ‘girl’ I feel inside… for any signs of femininity… feeling elated if I find it and crushed when I don’t. I’m more often than not crushed as time goes by.

In counselling with Lisa recently we were asked what I do that is perhaps more typically male or done in a male way. Neither Lisa nor I could think of anything.

I dress a little androgynously but not much… mostly non-‘blokey’ but not obviously female… this is not a cross-dressing or fetishistic issue. I wear a lot of jewellery and look after my hair and skin. I keep my legs and underarms shaved and tidy my brows. Lisa and I share a hair dye once a month ☺

I suffer from depression as I have this constant grief / dysphoria (opposite of euphoria) over being physically male (not being female). I hate it and every mirror reminds me among other things... If I could have been born female or there was any way I could be without hurt to my family I would.

I think of suicide on a regular basis, numerous times a week, mostly nights when I ‘stop’ running around and distracting myself. I constantly remind myself of my children and my wife who love and need me. Some days I feel I can’t do it anymore… it hurts too much. Death will bring ultimate peace for someone with GID.

I’m not very ‘sexual’… it’s difficult to be that interested in something when it involves parts of your body that you aren’t fond of. That said, I have four kids so obviously it can physically happen but lets not go there.

In short it is a painful way to live and there are few options… I spend an exorbitant amount of energy keeping myself manically busy to provide a daily distraction. Yes it is often difficut but if you’re thinking it’s hard for me please spare a thought for my loving and faithful wife who stands by me and walks with me each day... wherever that leads us we don’t really know.

Cheers all… if anyone wants to know more… let me know.

Scott