What about me 3? ... transitioning

I feel it is time for a full update on events of the past 12 months so you all know where things are at with me and my family.

About 18 months ago I started hormones and anti-androgens and am currently working with my psychiatrist, psychologist and the Monash Gender Dysphoria clinic toward a MTF transition.

It;s been a long time coming and I feel I have tried every avenue available to me to bring some peace and hope amidst the transgender condition I am so 'blessed' with and I believe this is not only the last hope but also the best option going forward.

Lisa and I are committed to making it work and we have recently told our kids and extended families... this has been incredibly hard.

At present I am meeting every few weeks with the psychiatrist and director of the Monash Gender Dysphoria clinic and at the moment it looks as though I'm a pretty black and white case for them so I'm not expecting too many roadblocks or hurdles from them.

I'm also having weekly electrolysis and am seeing significant progress. This pleases me no end.

For the hopelessly curious and morbid the effects of the drugs mean: I'm currently a 'B' cup in breast development, my skin has thinned, is more luminescent and pores reduced, I have siginifcantly reduced strength and muscle mass (especially on my arms), my body hair is almost non-existent, some head hair has regrown and male pattern baldness has stopped, my butt is considerably bigger and most recent weight gain is in that area... that ought to satiate your curiosity. I have to say I am delighted in every step of progress I see and look forward to more and more.

At this stage I plan to go FT as Elisabeth (aka Ellie for short) 2nd half 2011 and at this stage all looks good for that to occur. I already live most of the time that way anyhow in one way shape or form except when I'm gigging which is a reality until about June next year when I will retire from professional music.

Anyway so that's where things are... it's taken me many many years to accept this route of treatment but I sincerely believe it is the only route for any hope of happiness for me. Beyond this hope I can only see death as an option which I;d rather not think about.

These days I get more stares when I try to pass as Scott than I get when I'm presenting as Elisabeth... I cannot wait to be FT and eventually have SRS surgery and feel complete as the person I should ahve been born as.

with love,

Ellie (aka Scott) xo

Stories looking out for love

Hi all,

Lately I've been having lots of discussions regarding the GLBT community, love, abuse, christianity etc. It's been quite a tiring few weeks but also quite enlightening and 'growing'...

One comment I had from a Christian friend was as follows "I have looked into the Christian Support pages on FB for homosexuals and transgender... this may sound harsh but interestingly I don't read a lot on them that displays genuine Christian character ... confused and disillusioned people finding comfort on other confused and disillusioned people" ... it was a statement that amazed and confounded me ...

I thought maybe it would be a good opportunity to share some stories of people I have met either in person or online. No real names are used and I'm keeping it brief to ensure privacy is assured.

People often wonder why I am so passionate about loving the GLBT community and working hard to stamp out abusive and potentially harmful messages that can lead so easily to positions of hate and prejudice. When you hear what people have gone through you can often understand better why they may feel disillusioned and why they seek comfort with each other. In many cases they have not experienced it anywhere else.

1. Jane - is a lovely TG girl who since transitioning has never seen her two youngish boys. Her ex is very bitter and refuses to allow contact. She sees it as her reponsibility to be supportive with finances and hopes when they reach 18 they will seek reconnection with her.

2. Tom - A lovely Christian man who loves people and God and helps others struggling with their identity. After spending his life with his ONLY life partner of 29 year's before he was killed in a car accident, his brother asked him to meet with his pastor under the guise that his pastor wanted to perform the memorial service. After a 40 mile drive to meet his brother's pastor, he was immediately told that his deceased partner was in hell and he was to join him IF he did not convert to heterosexuality.

3. Jill - A lovely Christian woman in her 30's. She recently came out to her family. Their reponse? Her family is pushing her to give up her kids to her ex. They believe that she's going to ruin their lives if they grow up in a gay household. My sister, who is married to a pastor, keeps sending me text messages with scriptures saying I should choose life.

4. Grace - a TG girl in her late 40's. Adopted young she tried to find her real mother. Eventually she tracked her down. After 3 letters she received a reply not to contact her again or an AVO would be instigated. She has since been disowned by her adopted prents and asked to never be in touch again. She is unable to work, does not see her children and lives in a caravan park.

5. Martha- a lovely Christian mature woman who when she came out to her family was told by her christian brother and his wife told she should be put to death... to quote 'It still hurts me now as badly as it did then... All because I am a lesbian and their kind of christianity disapproves of me..'

6. Jim - a beautifully warm hearted and giving gay man. When he came out to his family his father screamed at his mother in front of him that he would rather have a dead son than a gay one.

Now not all stories are bad. Many people find love, acceptance, grace and support from their friends and families. But there are so many like these simple examples I have given. At the root of it all is a bigotry that bypasses the person and looks only at one attribute for total judgement.

This past few weeks there have been many stories of youth suicide and bullying because kids are often different. Where do these attitudes of hate, of abuse, of judgement come from. Well many places... but esentially it comes down to what messages we believe, what messages we give out and what messages we teach our children.

I'm passionate that the church do a complete about face on their attitudes to the LGBT/GLBT community. I believe that the conservative legalistic views of the religious right are feeding the 'hate' crimes toward this community by teaching a strong message of judgement and not love. This has to stop!

And you may have wondered why many GLBT people feel confused, hurt and disillusioned... think about the messages you would give!

Ciao for now...

Scott

more about me.. a little self indulgence

Two posts in one day? surely not.. oh well...

Lately I've been sharing a litle about myself and my experiences with being transgendered and Christian in a variety of places... some to my family, others to people I don't know. I thought they were worthwhile sharing as they give you a greater insight into me, my struggles and even Lisa (my wife's) experiences with being married to someone who is transgendered.

Hope you enjoy... remember these thoughts/posts were in blogs etc with a Christian context hence the language :)

A. ABOUT ME:
I'm passionate yet frightened, gracious and loving and yet judgemental and angry, strangely fickle yet fiercely loyal. I want to understand and yet be understood, to embrace and be embraced, to love and be loved. Quite a quandary... think of your typical woman if there's such a thing and you'll be close to the mark (think of Alanis Morisette's 'Hand in my Pocket')... Lisa's been trying to work me out for years and she's female :) (PS - she just laughed when I read that out.. she wholewheartedly agrees)... I can sadly be a grumpy vindictive bitch when scorned/crossed... but it generally doesn;t last that long...I'm learning.

As to what I'm on about... many things and yet sometimes nothing (see previous paragraph):
I feel very passionate about issues of significant inequality especially the more I deal with and befriend other LGBT folk , hear their stories, feel their pain and the abuse they have encountered and continue to encounter. Every time I hear of someone who has suicided or other cases of abuse, from church and non-church alike I am brought to tears and want to see the world love and get along without bias.

I do want fellow Christians to not 'exclude' them because they're too hard or because of a belief around morality/sin. They are people with issues, loves, gifts, hurts and are loved and created by God and many of them have so much to give to the world. There is a huge 'ministry' of love and care (not evangelistic) to these people. Sadly so many TG people kill themselves.. I know of a few already. It breaks my heart as I know of some of their pain and journeys.

So that's me.. creative, nurturing, manic, depressed, idealistic, wounded... and difficult. Befriend me at your peril :)

B. SOME THOUGHTS ON TRANSGENDERISM AND CHRISTIANITY:
hmmm ... God doesn't make mistakes huh? No... but what of the child born prem who dies at -2 weeks?, of the child born with autism or no limbs? What about the intersexed person born physically female (to the eye) but when she reaches age 18 and still hasn;t had her period (yet has a physically female appearance breasts and all) finds out she is chromosonally neither male nor female and has inner testes that don;t work but the physical appearance, estrogen, hips, breasts of a woman and is known as such. What choice should she make?

Please look beyond your own safe and sheltered worlds to the realities of what so many people need to live with. Only a small precentage of people in this world have the luxury of being middle class, well off, well educated, 'normal' human beings. I am a MTF transgender christian and my wife and I both know that I have the brain, personality etc. of a woman and have had for as long as I have a memory yet I was born with an anatomically non-matching body.

It is a very painful condition, one I would not wish on anyone, least of all myself. There is no sexual fetish or deviance associated with it (in my case at least) other than I am basically a-sexual or not interested. It s not a sin condition but a condition of being, of birth and of genetics. We must remember that we live in a world that is the result of thousands of years of sin and far from perfect. We all need to find a way to continue to find grace, love, peace and forgivensss in the midst of living with the consequences of a less than perfect and sinful world.

PLEASE CONSIDER AND PRAY FOR GRACE. The suicide rate of tg people is estimated as up to 70%.... well above the normal range... mostly because of people's insenstitivity and lack of understanding.

Since when has counselling re-grown an arm that was never there, healed down syndrome or fixed a terminal tumour??? Transgenderism is biological... I am convinced being born that way myself. It's a sign of western modernity that considers cognition as the ultimate. Knowledge isn;t everything... some things are real... you wouldn;t wish this on your worst enemy and trust me I have been through 8 counsellors a number of exorcists etc and funnily enough they can;t fix what is essentially created/biological.... plus I like me... I'm a lovely, gracious, giving, sensitive and forgiving person :|

Sometimes hardship is just a result of the effects of all of us human beings living with the consequences of other peoples poor decisions... ie: the death of a father who died in a crash from a drink driver.... other times it is the result of years of sin and imperfection in the world. there is so much more than simple 1+1, black vs white mathematics... God however brings us love, joy, grace, peace and forgiveness whatever our circumstances. For me I know He loves me as the woman I am inside and the 'becoming' woman I am outside... I know He loves the person I am and is pleased with so much that I give... God bless

C. AND FINALLY SOME THOUGHTS FROM LISA AND WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A TG:
Hi from Lisa, Ellie Whites wife. Just want to let people know having married this beautiful person as a man 18 years ago and then only 6 years ago discovering why s/he had felt so out of place in this world all of hir (his/her in tg terms) life. There was heartache stress and trauma for me yes but after a lot of self soul searching realized that s/he was still the same person that I had spent my adult life with and had 4 beautiful children with. I now realise that just because he looks like a man (although not for very much longer) he really does think, act and feel like a woman. {More so than me sometimes} God did not make a mistake, s/he is the most caring, giving, loving 'wife' and parent anyone could wish for. I see the hourly struggle, anxiety, pain and suffering s/he goes through in just trying to survive in hir own misfitted body and the rejection, isolation and misunderstanding s/he faces from many others.

And it is true the suicide rate is far too high in this group of beautiful but too often unacceptable people. Ellie has been so close on a few occassions and that is difficult for me to deal with. S/he has felt so much guilt about what myself and hir kids suffer that I have been close to it at times too. Because I then feel guilt cos I don't feel I am being as supportive loving or accepting as I could be. We absolutely love each other but it doesn't mean we don't struggle with it constantly. This is not a 'normal' situation and no-one really understands so please anyone out there who calls themselves a christian and loves Jesus, remember every second of every day that in this society #particularly christian circles# we struggle with peoples uneducated fundamental views and that hurts us to the core. All we ask is to be shown grace, love and understanding.

This is by no means a choice!!!!!!!! If it were I can assure you my beautiful partner WOULD NOT CHOOSE to walk this daily path of pain, anguish and rejection. Lastly I want to share that I have come from a very conservative background and God has graciously given me an extremely loving and caring 'wife' which has helped me to adjust my black and white attitudes and give me a life of learning challenges. It has not always been a nice road but I am incredibly thankful for the beautiful partner I have and the beautiful marriage we share #most of the time.# So if I can come full circle on many of my attitudes I can assure you, you can too. Please think about how you treat #judge# these beautiful but so often tormented souls. Luv to all from Lisa

A left handed view... another analogy

Hi all... well it has been more than a while.. so sorry.

I want to share a little story shared with me by a loving Christian friend Mary Pearson who runs a website called Christian Gays. She is an adorable person and I find this little story so helpful. It's an encouragement and challenge to use that which you have been given to then bless and enlighten others.

I hope you enjoy it too... luv Scott xo

Discrimination against left-handers has historically been one of the deepest prejudices there is.

The bible contains over 100 favourable references to the right-hand and 25 unfavourable references to the left-hand. Example: The right hand of the lord doeth valiantly, the right hand of the lord is exalted (Psalm 118 vv15,16) The sheep are set on Christ's right hand and the goats on the left. Those on the right inherit the kingdom of God while those on the left depart into everlasting fire. The devil is nearly always portrayed as left-handed, and evil spirits lurk over the left shoulder, which is why you throw spilled salt over your left shoulder to ward them off.

Left-handers have been linguistically abused for centuries! There are hundreds of (mainly abusive) terms for left-handers. There are a lot of sayings where "right" is good and "left" is bad example: "being in your right mind", "the divine right of kings", it will be “all right in the end", as against being "left out", “left behind”, having "two left-feet", "a left-handed compliment" (one that is not really meant!)

Throughout history, lefties have been discriminated against. They have been burned as witches, refused as marriage partners, had their hands tied behind their back when they tried to write with the left hand (as in the case of my mother and brother), and beaten into orthodoxy.

I could write a lot on this subject. It’s one of my favourites but the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t believe there is anything wrong with me being left-handed, but for many years society did.

So the point I’m trying to make – maybe it’s getting lost in the analogy – is that I believe God created me left-handed. Many years ago OTHERS might have considered me a witch and burned me at the stake. I would have been made to feel “less than”, imperfect, wrong, bad, etc, but that wouldn’t have made it true. It would have been the wrong perception of OTHERS

So dear Ellie, as Terri said, we are all part of God’s great plan of diversity. We are all on the spectrum of how we feel about ourselves, our bodies, BUT we cannot dismiss that a lot of our issues are due to society’s perception of us (as gays and lesbians too). It’s just that being trans or intersex is a minority, like being left-handed, and in the past minorities were not accepted in society – especially Jewish society where “sameness” was critically important, and from which many of our prejudices have been derived.

Now, today, it’s not a big issue if you’re left-handed. In fact I feel very proud of the fact for many good reasons, but that’s off the track so I don’t want to get into it, but the change in society’s attitude toward lefties has only come by education and the knowledge that we are actually more gifted in some areas than others. Well who do you think did the research to find these things out? Righties???? I don’t think so. I think that left-handed people had to do the research and the education for us (lefties) to become accepted in society.

So who is going to do the research and education re trans people to be accepted in society??? Someone who has never experienced what it’s like? Or perhaps someone who has gone through all the injustices and prejudice, someone who understands the pain and trauma associated with it.

Mary Pearson

No-one's laughing at God in a hospital

Hi all...

First off let me apologise for being slack with the blog lately... I plan to say so many things but time is often not my friend... and so today I also bring you something quick and small that has really impacted me lately, from a secular artist of all places...

I have become a rabid fan of Regina Spektor who is a truly amaaazing songwriter, musician, singer...

This song that I want to share hit me that despite all the arguments, falsehoods, excess, unecessary judgment and abuse that people often feel from the church and those in it, that God is still such a powerful source of love and grace in a person's time of need. And people often find that source of comfort in a pastor, church or just in a prayer... everything has it's place and time

We're all human, we all need love.. no-one laughs at God when we're in need... have a look at the lyrics and please feel free to listen to the song ... it's on her CD 'Far'... truly powerful lyrics... well they were for me. Let me know what you think

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

*Chorus*
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes

Love you all... God's love and grace can keep flowing from our lives daily and impacting those who really need it. More tough discussion and some confessions to come... watch this space :)

Scott

Fun (and a touch of sarcasm) with levitical law

OK so this isn't mine (a friend sent it to me).. I will admit I haven't even checked the references but I'm assuming they're right. To be honest I was too busy wetting myself laughing ... hilarious (apologies if you've read this before elsewhere butit tickled my fancy)

Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. She recently said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

ode to kimberly reed... a new song

Hi again... I've added the mp3 recorded today of the song 'Kimberly' ... hope you like it

cheers...

Hi there all,

Just a quick post this time. I recently saw an interview with Kimberly Reed (MTF transgender lesbian filmmaker... now there's a title for you ..hehe) on Oprah of all shows and it really touched my heart.

Her story is not that different to mine but her courage to find her way to freedom is awesomely inspiring and I shed so many tears and still do even typing this... making a habit of that lately :? I was so inspired and 'moved' through that interview that I've even re-named my guitar after her... trust me that's a true honour :)

Anyway... out of it came this song. I'll post the lyrics now and try and record it for you in the coming few days (maybe week) and post it up too... love ya all and thanks for listening:

KIMBERLY – Scott White

(ode to Kimberly Reed)

You were born a boy

But that label never fit you

Though you tried to play their game

How’d it make you feel?

When you gazed into the looking glass

What picture did you see?

CHORUS:

Oh Kimberley

Your elegance and grace

It inspires me

When I look upon your face

It amazes me

The courage that you’ve shown to be free

You bring hope into my soul

Oh Kimberley

When did you decide?

To walk this rugged pathway

So you could be complete

Was someone by your side?

To hold you in the shadows

While you fought your way to light

Parable of the general store

Once upon a time there was a general store that was the hub of the community. Loved by singles, parents, widows and children alike, the store owner knew everyone by name and would sit and yarn about anything and everything if you had the time which just about everyone did when they stopped by. Kids would drop in on their way home from school and pick up a lolly or two. The owner even kept an account for all the regulars who 'mostly' paid on time, and was always generous when some went through tough times. It was a wonderful place of support and community.

One dark day a visitor came into town and declared he would build a new store. This store would be bigger, have more variety, piped music, longer opening hours and of course be cheaper than the community store. It wasn't long and the new store was built. Most of the people in the community wanted to check it out and dropped in. They were impressed by the colours and bright lights of the new store, the TV screens and even the charisma of the manager who could sell ice to an Eskimo.

Before long though the colour started to fade and people started to wonder about the quality of the produce. Some had stuck by the old general store but many were still at the new one. And again it happened. Much like before a man came to town and announced he would build a better, brighter, bigger store to beat all stores. It would serve petrol, provide childcare while you shopped, have live music and even a coffee shop… this would make MEGA look MINI, and he could be so convincing.

Many of those that had switched to the first new store moved again to the better store and the new improved better store even attracted some of the old faithful from the old community store… hey their coffee was very good.

Before long though the colour started to fade and people's interest waned. They complained that no-one knew who they were anymore, the costs for produce in the town had doubled to get all these new features with no improvement in quality... I mean flour was flour right?

Sadly the old community store had been hit hard over the years and eventually had to shut its doors. The first new store suffered tough times too and tried to compete with the 'super' store but new paint wasn't really enough and whilst it stayed in business it was never the same and struggled to survive.

The moral of the story? Yes of course the store is actually the church and over the years we've seen it fade from being a place of support and community to a place that tries desperately to compete with other 'stores' in the area. So much time, energy and money is spent on having the best music, buildings, PA, signs, programs, preachers when none of this is really at the core of what church is supposed to be. So few churches give more than 10% of their finances beyond their walls. It's a survival game so people don't migrate to the 'better' church down the road.

I remember reading George Barna's "The Second Coming of the Church" (circa 90's) and the statistic that jumped out at me was the hundreds of billions of dollars the US church had spent on programs etc. over a ten year period only to show a small decline in overall attendance.

Remember that even church itself is really only secondary (or lower). The greatest commandment according to Jesus is to love God and your neighbour… he agreed that it's more important than your church or anything you do at church (Mk 12:28-34)… if we don't have love, we may as well not bother. Is the western church overall just one giant resounding gong or crashing cymbal?

So… always continue to love! … And work hard at making your church a place of love and grace… that gives outwardly and doesn't consume in a competitive race to nowhere. And what of the grace filled pastor who had loved and lost his 'church'? You may well find him running a bed and breakfast…still loving God and anyone who comes by. My kind of guy !!

Cheers… Scott

The awkward (and often painful) sound of silence

It's been nearly two weeks since I wrote anything in this blog. First let me apologise for the long-ish pause. No it's not because I have nothing left to say. (like that would ever happen :? ) I have some wonderful posts planned. There's a 3-4 part series on "Jesus - What the?' examining the life and ministry of Jesus and discussing the idea that perhaps the modern church is off target with it's target and even a section on Paul called 'A-Paul-ed'. (well it sounded interesting to me... yawn..Zzzz) But I digress...

There are a number of things I didn't quite anticipate when starting this blog thing.

First off it's really draining baring your soul... even if no-one reads your blog it can be a very painful experience just putting it down in words. Sometimes I need time to recover and in this case my depression has been at all time highs (or is that lows) in the past couple of weeks. Hence some of the 'silence'.

Secondly (and how stupid am I) I didn't anticipate my responses to feedback. This has come in from friends, family, people I have never met and people I'm getting to know in cyberspace. There's been encouragement, affirmation, criticism, mild debate etc. which is all good and I expected (and encourage) this.

The one response though that I didn't expect and the one that has been tearing me apart has been that of silence. (hence the 'painful' part of the title) Some people I had hoped would read the things I was writing and perhaps for the first time acknowledge and understand the turmoil that is so often my life have chosen to either 'not read' or worse still 'not comment'. Avoidance and silence can really hurt some times. The result on my fragile emotional state has been quite crushing.

Finally, I wasn't quite ready for the questions it would raise within myself. Being honest with yourself, writing stuff down and wondering where all this might lead can be very confronting. I am such a work in progress. At times this scares me senseless and I want to run away and pretend my GID doesn't exist anymore (which sadly doesn't work).

Anyway, the point of this was really just to point out that I have really appreciated those that have followed my story to date, I have appreciated the feedback and I ask you be patient as I work out what should come next and find the energy, courage and mental health to write it.

I remember someone old once said to me: "That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell, and couldn't see this place would soon become my hell
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face

(Missy Higgins - The Special Two)

Talk soon ... thanks for listening

Scott :)

if god is love why is there so much hatred around??

"... and they'll know we are Christians by our hate by our hate and they'll know we are Christians by our..." ...

that's how the song goes isn't it? Not exactly as I remember it but sometimes I think maybe more appropriate. I'm feeling sad today. I keep reading things that make me weep... I feel I could easily write a dozen pages on this one but I'll try and be brief... here's s few that have made me cry for the 'lost church that is' this week lone:


1. Let me start with Fred Phelps... I know I know he's an easy target and part of the 'extreme US fundamentalists' but it's a voice that some at least partially agree with and deserves a brief mention. If you don't know of Fred then please google him but don't spend too much time reading his messages of hate or some may brush off. Apparently according to Fred 'God hates Gays'... also 'God hates America' and ironically 'God hates Jews' (what the?) They regularly picket schools etc. to show people how much god hates them. I have so much to say on Fred but in the end I weep for him... he doesn't know the love and grace of god.


2. Fred Niles... OK so he's no Phelps thankfully (what is it with people called Fred?) but he's scary enough and it's a small step from where he is. Fundamentally (sic) he's opposed to climate control (and any form of environmentalism... I thought God was kind of fond of the environment), immigration of Muslims into Australia, Gay and Lesbians (yes I know it's one of my bugbears...get over it). He also believes in the outright freedom of enterprise. ('God helps those who help themselves' apparently... sheesh silly me! I thought God helped those who couldn't help themselves...ummm.. that's all of us). We cannot let such a misinterpretation of god filter into our culture or our politics...Tony Abbot and Family First also scare me for similar reasons.


3. Corrective rape of lesbians (particularly in South Africa): I'm not sure if you've heard of this but my blood boils with anger and my heart weeps with grief. I will not be flippant here. There are groups mainly within South Africa and Zimbabwe (Uganda proposes a 'Kill the gays' bill) who are condoning (claiming religious morality) the brutal beating and rape of lesbians to make them real women. This practice is spreading and is a foul and brutal abomination of mankind. I don't know what to say here... I'm so upset by it. Love your neighbour as yourself please peoples...


OK I'd planned to say more but that will do for now. That last one just destroys me. These are extreme examples but so much of this is in god's name and supported by large factions of the church (particularly in the conservative right in the US). It's not that big a leap for other evangelical groups to follow suit at least in part. As for what would Jesus say.... Hmmm..


Jesus was highly outspoken at the Jewish church and particularly the Pharisees and Sadducees of his time. The Pharisees were (similar to Phelps and Nile) of the belief that God had not 'redeemed' the Jewish people from slavery because of their sin and so they were intensely focussed on morality as a way to 'salvation'. (Salvation in this context meaning freedom for the Jewish people)


Ironic that it is clear in the NT that Jesus didn't come in the world to judge it... he came to "SAVE" it... morality won;t save us... only love and grace. No-one... not one of us stands untouched without that grace. Jesus didn't share a message of hate in any form. He constantly showed love, mercy and grace to even the 'untouchables' (in the eyes of the Pharisees) ... no-one was untouchable for Jesus... in fact they were often his focus (and I would argue the focus of much of the OT too) prostitute, tax collector, 'bleeding' woman, Samaritan woman, lepers, blind, dead... you name them and he reached out to them. Yes he even touches us... shame that Phelps and co. are yet to truly experience the heart felt touch of God's love and grace.


What are you going to do? How will you demonstrate love to your neighbour... who will you reach out to...especially the 'untouchables' ? We must fight this hatred this abominable representation of god with love and ensure our hearts and our churches NEVER preach this message of hate. For a start please rethink your approach to the church's treatment of the GLBT community.


Crying and praying... Scott

a little yeast spoils the loaf: a story of abuse

I’ve been asked by a few people where I’m at with the church these days. Fair question really given I used to be a paid pastor and now don’t attend a church... at this point in time anyway. Some of my posts on this blog would also seem to indicate I’m maybe a little ‘disillusioned’ by the western evangelical church… well in short, Yes I am… but here’s kind of part 3 of my story to explain a little.

If you don’t know already from reading previous posts, I’m Gender Dysphoric or transgender…take your pick on the term. A number of years ago I had been a worship co-ordinator at a large church and then recently moved to a Vineyard church plant as the worship pastor. This was largely due to a good friend of ours moving there and we kind of went along with the journey.

I had had a number of counselling sessions with this ‘friend’ over the years to work through this gender thing of mine… it was tough going. During one of these sessions, our last together, we were discussing what it is like to be male and the ‘friend’ decided to show me. He stood up, dropped his pants and waved his ‘male parts’ in my face approx. a foot away. I was horrified and protesting loudly that he stop. He then proceeded to demand that I tell noone about this and that God had been leading him to do this as part of my ‘therapy’ but others would not understand. I was angry, hurt, confused and ashamed. I could not get the horrid image out of my head but due to our ‘friendship’ I chose not to talk about it at the time.

I had also been seeing a leading Melbourne gender therapist who helped me understand the ‘condition’ that I had and for the first time in my life everything started to make sense. A the same time though, my marriage was falling apart.. Lisa was having a tough time with it all amidst her existing chronic depression and she went to stay with this friend and his wife. I had resigned as pastor by this time.

I started to notice that I had little support from those I had previously loved and cared for in my 5 years as pastor. No one called or visited and some completely shut me off. Apparently my ‘friend’ was telling people (and my wife) that I had abandoned counselling with him because I was not prepared to see it through with God and was turning my back on all things Christian. I now know this was part of his manipulation to cover up his tracks and damage any credibility I would have if I told anyone what had happened. Word had quickly spread about my gender condition and rumour had it I was working toward a sex change, which was not on the cards at the time.

A little later I told someone about the 'counselling' incident as part of my story and soon after I was approached to discuss it further as apparently this was not an isolated case. My ‘friend’ had apparently been involved in a number of similar scenarios with a number of people that I will not describe any further. He was challenged by the authorities but by this stage had moved out of the country. He has never apologised or sought forgiveness from me or any of his other victims. He is still practicing counselling with young people in that country.

Meanwhile I continued to get little support from those I had loved and pastored. Lisa was attending the church still with the kids and the general consensus seemed to be that I was out of the loop and had chosen my path. After all those years of friendship and giving of myself…that hurt a great deal.

So my recent experience with church has been one of abuse, judgement and abandonment. What I thought had been a place of love, grace and friendship had turned into a nightmare during one of the most needy times of my life. The loaf had well and truly been spoiled by a little yeast.

These days I’m trying to hold onto what faith I have, search the heart of god to see if there’s a place for me still, understand my GID, question my upbringing and try and find life among the ashes. I’m slowly realising I am not alone in my beliefs, my GID and my experience. God’s love and grace is out there still, albeit in desperate short supply.

If you have experienced abuse from the church or it’s people then I am so sorry this has happened to you. I pray you will find your way toward healing in your journey and find a loving, gracious and tender god at the end of it.

God bless… Scott

The wine in the cupboard: the problem of paid ministry

I've been reading a number of posts recently on various blogs particularly the nakedpastor's post on "biblical arguments against vision" (http://www.nakedpastor.com/archives/5112) and my good friend Scott Aitken's post on "Integrity and paid ministry"
(http://nursepastorfatherhusband.blogspot.com/2010/04/integrity-and-paid-ministry.html). They are both worth a read.

I've been thinking along some similar lines and whist I may not be as blunt as Scotty I feel for modern day pastors in the difficult dance of keeping their job, staying humble, being real and still broaching difficult topics. So how much of the modern day pastor's job is being a politician? Let me do my usual wandering approach to the topic… humour me :)

I have a fair understanding of the difficulties of living in the public eye. I grew up the son of a minister and both my brothers are now senior pastors. I have also worked as a pastor in my local Vineyard church for 5 years. It's a tough ask at times and often the congregation look to you as Jesus himself… not good for them or you (many egos get corrupted in this dance).

I remember growing up when at the time having a glass of wine in our denomination was considered both sinful and could cost a minister their job. So at dinner my parents might be enjoying a glass of wine (they did not consider this sinful) and if the doorbell rang we'd have to run and hide the glasses and bottle in the cupboard in case it was someone from the church at the door. What a weird way to live huh? It taught me that in this public life of ministry you had to keep any 'flaw' hidden and only portray a public persona that reflected biblical perfection.

This is just an example but I'm confident that these things occur all the time. The pastor who sneaks a view of porn, has a cigarette in private, has a glass too many occasionally or possibly occasionally misuses his/her expense card keeps this flawed persona private. Now obviously this is not healthy… the position of power that a minister holds is fraught with danger but let's look at why?

A modern day's pastor's job is deeply linked with their livelihood. Getting a job, keeping it and feeding the family is mixed in with a pastors passion. For more on this check out my friend Scotty's blog. This means that pastors need to watch their P's and Q's so closely that they appear to their people to be beyond reproach…. News Flash!! … They are just people working in a system/institution that I think desperately needs review.

Imagine a potential pastor going for a new job or an established one getting in front of their congregation and either: 1. expressing their love and support for the homosexual community as their neighbour or 2. attacking the churches waste of resources on itself. and suggesting it give 90% of it's offerings elsewhere.

These are just two examples that are clearly bees in my bonnet but there are hundreds more that would be career limiting moves for any professional pastor. Often the situation is reversed where a pastor feels they must teach on something they don't even believe in themselves. Tithing for example… there is little biblical evidence to support compulsory tithing yet if pastors don't preach on it then the offerings go down and the institution is in trouble.

Look at the recent example where the pope had been involved in multiple cover-ups of the abuse of children at the hands of paid priests in order not to tarnish the already flagging image of the church. There are many taboo topics… having any kind of liberal stance on homosexuality, attacking western materialism etc... So which is more important the lives of people or the 'reputation' of the pastor and/or institution? Hmmm… I digress.

So what's the solution? Funnily enough I'm not having a go at pastors although I can guess some will feel I am and defend their role. I believe most pastors are there because they feel called to what they do, have a genuine passion and want to follow their God. However, the nature of the church as it stands is a big problem. Admittedly pastors often don't help the situation by further building the myth of their infallibility. Pastors need to feel free to be human, real, flawed and express their passionate voice. They are no different from us plaebians… they live, they sin, they have families and even fear their livelihood at times. I for one am an advocate of having a preisthood of all believers and no paid ministers.

Personally I could not stay in ministry once I realised I had to be honest about my gender condition and the separation with my wife (which has since been restored). I could not 'pretend' anymore, wanted to maintain my integrity as a person and could not (still can not) work within the confines of such an institution as the modern western church.

I pray for a day when the wine does not have to stay hidden in the cupboard.

Cheers all… Scott

Sharing a song - I Cry (by Me)

Following up on yesterdays personal post (and after hours of working out how) I've posted a song of mine written a number of years ago based on living with GID... just press the play button on the top right of the blog. I have many songs if you're interested some of which can be found on my myspace music site. www.myspace.com/scottwhite5

I CRY- Scott White

Do you know what it’s like
To never measure up
Do you know how it feels
To know you don’t belong

Oh I am not like you.. oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul

I can never hope to be
What you’re wanting me to be
It’s a physical
Impossibility

Oh I am not like you oh no x2

I cry all day within my heart
I die all day within my soul
(rpt)

What about me 2? (whats it like to have GID?)

Time to get off my high horse soapbox for a minute and get a little personal. I’ve been encouraged to do this by a friend who suggested it might help someone out there who’s dealing with similar issues. If you don’t want to know the details then don’t read this. I’ve been asked this question ‘what’s it like?’ a lot and I have to admit it’s a really tough one to answer. In a sense I know of no other way to be… it’s just ‘me’ but I do know I’m different and generally don’t fit in. Let me put some examples out there and ramble for a bit…

As a young child I liked to play mostly with the girls (almost all my friends were and still are girls), enjoyed creative games and music and never liked the rough and tumble side of ‘boy’ play… I’m completely non-competitive. I don’t think like a guy (funny that :?) …when I see a woman walking down the street I don’t have ‘sexual or lustful thoughts’ but instead notice her lovely earrings, that her lipstick matches her top, admire the material and cut of her skirt and wonder why she chose those shoes that day... they just sooo don’t go with the outfit. (and no I’m not gay) I’m nurturing, gentle, loving, creative, generous, giving and a pacifist but this doesn’t tell you much.

I remember as a very young boy sitting in the bath and seeing my perineum (look it up if you don’t know… I certainly didn’t know back then) and thinking that this is where my girls parts must have been once but had been sewn up. THe perineum was the scar. I wondered if it would sort itself out. I prayed regularly maybe around ages 8-14 that God would ‘fix’ me and I would wake up in the right body. (ie: that of a female) I have a general ‘dislike’ (hmmm OK ‘disgust’ is a better word) for the male body especially mine and I don’t like to ‘acknowledge’ certain parts of my own anatomy. In fact I don’t generally feel comfortable (almost scared) around guys and often find myself putting on a ‘fake’ persona of ‘blokeiness’ around blokey men in order to feel less threatened. I hate looking at my body in the mirror or in photos…

I keep looking at my face in the mirror to see glimpses of the ‘girl’ I feel inside… for any signs of femininity… feeling elated if I find it and crushed when I don’t. I’m more often than not crushed as time goes by.

In counselling with Lisa recently we were asked what I do that is perhaps more typically male or done in a male way. Neither Lisa nor I could think of anything.

I dress a little androgynously but not much… mostly non-‘blokey’ but not obviously female… this is not a cross-dressing or fetishistic issue. I wear a lot of jewellery and look after my hair and skin. I keep my legs and underarms shaved and tidy my brows. Lisa and I share a hair dye once a month ☺

I suffer from depression as I have this constant grief / dysphoria (opposite of euphoria) over being physically male (not being female). I hate it and every mirror reminds me among other things... If I could have been born female or there was any way I could be without hurt to my family I would.

I think of suicide on a regular basis, numerous times a week, mostly nights when I ‘stop’ running around and distracting myself. I constantly remind myself of my children and my wife who love and need me. Some days I feel I can’t do it anymore… it hurts too much. Death will bring ultimate peace for someone with GID.

I’m not very ‘sexual’… it’s difficult to be that interested in something when it involves parts of your body that you aren’t fond of. That said, I have four kids so obviously it can physically happen but lets not go there.

In short it is a painful way to live and there are few options… I spend an exorbitant amount of energy keeping myself manically busy to provide a daily distraction. Yes it is often difficut but if you’re thinking it’s hard for me please spare a thought for my loving and faithful wife who stands by me and walks with me each day... wherever that leads us we don’t really know.

Cheers all… if anyone wants to know more… let me know.

Scott

"Love the sinner hate the sin" : Plea for new paradigm

Hi all... after some feedback I have decided to post this post which I had originally planned for down the track. Note I’m still on the ‘Church approach to the GLBT community’ topic but there’s lots of other topics planned. If you’re one of those who thinks gay people are the spawn of Satan and beyond love then I suggest you move on and come back later … ☺

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the line “love the sinner, hate the sin” when the topic of homosexuality comes up I’d be a rich man (or at least have enough to pay my bills). It seems to be an ‘easy’ response to the situation but one that irks me considerably. I recently came upon this quote from another blog that I found hits the target:

‘I don’t think they could begin to understand how “love the sinner, hate the sin” doesn’t cut it with this community. It’s like saying, sure, we don’t mind dogs, we love dogs — but leave that mongrel outside. All anyone hears is “hate the sinner with this sin.” It’s getting pretty old. I’m not saying that they have to change their theological stance, but… don’t they have to at least be gracious?’ (http://subversiveinfluence.com/2006/01/the-church-the-activists-and-the-homosexual-question/)

This statement is so intrinsically flawed particularly in its application to homosexuality that it deserves some treatment. So in good ‘sermon’ mode here’s 3 simple points to get us thinking. (else this will end up being a very long post).

1. Why just homosexuality? I’ve never heard this line used in any other discussion except when addressing the ‘issue’ of homosexuality in the church. Why is it so? I’m perplexed how some ‘sin’ gets the ‘steroid’ treatment and others we happily overlook everyday. Maybe the statement would irk me less if it was used for all of us. Eg: for our brother who lives in a multi-million dollar mansion when millions starve each day… Yes brother I love you but I hate your sin... the sister who is obsessed with her self image and spends hours and half her income on fashion and makeup… Yes sister I love you but I hate your sin… or maybe the church in general who focus generally 90%+ of their budget on their building, staff and sound systems… Yes brothers and sisters I love you but I hate your sin. I could go on and on … but we don’t do that though do we? … it’s as if the only sin God cares about are those of the GLBT community.

2. It puts the speaker on a pedestal. (putting on my pious voice here) ‘Oh yes I can bring myself to love you sinner but I hate your sin’ aaarrrgh Jesus must be cringing… News flash: we all sin !! Don’t forget your origins! ‘For all have sinned’… ‘forgive as you have been forgiven’… ‘do not look at the splinter in your brothers eye when you have a log in your own.’ Jesus was very specific in his teaching on this. IMHO most of the western church has a massive log in it’s eye… never forget to forgive as you yourself have been forgiven… we don’t want to be unmerciful servants now do we? Some of the most loving gracious and giving people I know happen to be gay and Christian… so why are they so targeted.

3. Irrepairable damage. Finally… the damage done by the church toward the homosexual community is so great the divide has become unfathomable. How does this statement help the church to bring us closer to a point where we see each other as sinful equals who need the love and grace of God whether we’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender (GLBT), materialist, fornicator, luster, obese, self obsessed, selfish, liar, murderer, tax evader blah blah blah…


I believe the church needs to find a new paradigm and one that fits my previous post of the GLBT community as our neighbours. So what is my plea for a new paradigm for the church and the GLBT community? … Wait for it … it may take some time to digest…it’s pretty complex…

LOVE!!

Forget the rest of the phrase just try sticking with the first word… that’s it… simple isn’t it… LOVE!!! It’s hard to do, especially if you’re burdened with your own historical and cultural prejudice but it’s what we’re meant to do and what we’re meant to be known by… hmmm epic fail to date …

So when you’re next thinking about this one… just use the first word… LOVE!!!

Cheers all… Scott

PS – Note I have deliberately steered clear in this post of the varying discussions around whether homosexuality is a sin or not. If you read my ‘What about me?’ post I have already declared my ‘liberal’ stance on that... but for this post I’m assuming the evangelical position that it is sinful and despite that stance the paradigm needs urgent attention.

feedback, response and where to from here :)

Hi all,

I've had some responses re: my 'gay in the life of a minister' post with some people feeling I was too generous in my support of homosexuality and the need for greater love to this community. Here's some of my replies:

1. thanks for clearing up but yes I'm not gay :)
2. My suggestion around 'support' is because I believe it's time we understood just how alienated and abusive we have been in our treatment of the GLBT (gay/lesbian/bi-sexual/transgender) community.. they are our neighbours and are loved by God. If we tilt the ledger too much the other way a little maybe things will balance up.
3. I believe we need to adopt a new paradigm for this as a movement. The old "love the sinner hate the sin" just doesn't cut it...after all that applies to all of us... we're all sinners now and always... just saved by the grace of God and his sacrifice.
4. I am aware of at least two people who have suicided because they found their own struggle with this and the non-loving support from the church too hard to bear. This is a tragedy and I believe we share the blame.
5. Not all of the scars of sin can be cured here on earth... yes some healing often takes place but it's not 100% eg: intersexed people... look them up if you;re not aware that 1 in 5000 are born neither male or female.
6. This is a little personal for me as I have friends who love God, are gay and Christian yet will never set foot in another church because of what they've experienced.
7. Why do we get so hung up on this 'sin'? (or possibly result of centuries of sin) and yet we seem to not care about consumerism, materialsm etc. which is far more rife within our churches.
8. I confess i do not believe homosexuality to be directly sinful... I don't believe it is as God designed it but I believe most of creation is wearing the scars of thousands of years of sin... it is a terrible cross for people to bear and all we do is make it harder for them to know God. When you hear some of these peoples stories it will make you weep. Gods love and grace is for all.

I pray you will find a way to connect with the pain of this comunity and at least think beyond what appears to be black and white on the surface.

OK - so what's next for the blog. Given the feedback I plan a post on "Love the sinner, hate the sin: plea for a new paradigm"... but the blog will be about more than just a treatise on the issue of homosexuality.... and there's more of my story to tell yet... watch this space and tell your friends:)

See ya in heaven if not here on earth :)

A gay in the life of a minister: a modern day parable

A minister was walking through the city on his way home when a gang attacked him. They kicked and beat him, stole his wallet, watch and even his clothes. They left him dying and bleeding on the road… they had taken everything.

A local priest walked near and, seeing the dying man, quickly crossed to the other side of the road …after all he was due at the church soon to run confession.

A lay Pentecostal minister upon seeing the man did the same thing… offering a quick prayer to appease his conscience as he crossed on the other side. God would understand...he was a busy man with a large ministry team to look after.

Next came a local gay activist. Only two weeks before he’d been denied communion by the very minister lying before him. He went to him, stopped the bleeding with his shirt and took off his coat to keep the dying man warm. He picked him up, put him in his car despite the fresh blood soaking the car seats and drove him to the nearest hospital where he stayed with him during the night.

The next day he gave the hospital staff $300 to give to the man for new clothes giving them his credit card details in case he needed more.

So who was a neighbour to the bashed minister?

OK so we’ve all heard this story before in a slightly different version. Then it was the ‘despised’ Samaritan who got voted in as best neighbour… this new version isn’t really all that shocking… is it? so what am I trying to say? What was Jesus trying to say?

I’ve often wondered who the modern day equivalents are to some of Jesus’ parables. A number of years ago I read a book called ‘One Blood’ about the history of mission to the Australian aboriginals (which the church really stuffed up in its arrogance) and 100 years ago I’d have suggested sub’ing the indigenous for the Samaritans. They were despised, seen as ‘evil’ lesser human beings and terribly mistreated…much like the modern gay/lesbian by the church (and ‘redneck’ society in general).

The context for Jesus parable was teaching around the greatest commandment… “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind; and love your neighbour as yourself.” This was “more important than all burnt offerings or sacrifices”… or to translate to modern times more important than church buildings, services, music, PA’s, communion, bible studies etc.

LOVE LOVE LOVE ...EVERYONE EVERYONE EVERYONE… AS YOURSELF AS YOURSELF AS YOURSELF. MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING CHURCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING CHURCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING CHURCH

My point is IMHO our modern western evangelical churches, and yes most of those in them, have lost the ‘heart’, the ‘love’, the ‘grace’ to all people, all of creation, all of the time. Instead they're busy focussed on buildings, awesome music, services, attendances, key success criteria, baptisms etc. Yet the very heart of the matter is what it’s all about…

When was the last time you donated to AIDS care, attended a gay/lesbian rally to show your support for those who are alienated from our society or even allowed yourself to see the gay community as your neighbour? Have you ever listened to a gay friend's story or supported the campain against the 'corrective' rape of lesbian women by religious zealots in South Africa? What's got your priority? Love God and love your neighbour as yourself… simple really!

Cheers again Scott :)

What about me? (no not the Shannon Noll song)

A little background on me … I might include some more detail in later posts on certain parts but to keep this kinda short I’ll give you a summary.

I was raised the youngest of three boys, my father was (is retired now) a Churches of Christ minister. My mother is a trained nurse. Both of my brothers are now senior pastors of churches in NSW and QLD. I am married with four beautiful children aged 5 to 14.

I have a degree in ministry (B.Min) and an Associate Diploma in Technology Management and have worked in IT on and off as a manager for 20 years or so.

I have also worked on staff with two churches; most recently with a Vineyard church plant in Melbourne as the worship pastor. I resigned when my marriage started to fall apart and was working through the gender issue in depth. I studied my degree in ministry at Tabor College 1998-2000.

OK now for the big one. About 5-6 years ago I was formally diagnosed in the extreme category with Gender Dysphoria (also known as Gender Identity Disorder and sometimes Transgender) This needs a whole post (or 1000) to explain and I’m not sure yet how much I wish to expose here but in short it means my brain is wired like a female yet I have a male body… weird I know… try being it. This is something I have lived with all my life since birth and has been the source of immense pain throughout my life. It is estimated that 1 in 7 people with this condition end their life in suicide and so it can be tragic and easily misunderstood.

It is not something I choose or have chosen, it is not simply a matter of nurture; it is just a matter of ‘being’ for me. It is and has been prevalent in most cultures throughout history and I see it as another form of ‘mutation’ of humanity in the same way as 1 in 5000 are born intersexed… as in neither male nor female (in primary sex characteristics and chromosomally.

We are so conditioned in the church to think that everything is (or at least can be perfect) as in the way God created it yet all of our world and humanity is deeply scarred and in my opinion will only truly be healed after this life, if ever.

This will help you understand much of my life experience, my empathy to others who are born ‘different’ and my cry to the church to rethink their approach to things that do not fit in their worldview. I'm not personally in the least bit gay... this is not a sexuality condition but a gender identity one. However I do not believe same-sex sexuality is chosen either. I have many gay and lesbian friends who are beautiful people, many whom have deeply suffered rejection, humiliation and judgement from their families, society and the church. It is not something you would choose... how many of us can remember ‘deciding’ to be hetero-sexual?? … it’s a nonsensical concept IMHO. We all deserve the same love and grace that is offered to all of ‘creation’.

Finally, In addition if you're interested, a scientific study 1995 was performed around the BSTc area of the brain and it;s relationship to Gender Dysphoria sufferers... basically males have a BSTc size in their brains that is 70% larger than females... this area is key for gender, sex identity etc, .. Transgender people have been found to be the only males with a BSTc size the same or smaller than females. It is expected this happens in-utero... ie: we're born with gender brain characteristics of females but the body of a male. Hence why we relate and think more like females but are physically male.

This has had a big impact on my marriage and Lisa and I are still trying to work out how it works but we love each other and enjoy life together. Lisa more than anyone understands how this just ‘is me’. Currently my wife is studying nursing whilst I am a house’wife’ looking after our house and family and it is going well for us. My two eldest children know of my condition in some depth and my two youngest know that their dad is quite ‘girly’. All of my good friends know and I am very open about it these days. I am also a part time musician; playing guitar, piano and singing around Victoria for our supper ☺… The future is always in motion.

So this blog has been influenced a lot by my life… it should it’s my blog. I believe firmly western Christianity has lost the plot and essence of what Jesus was on about and it is hanging by a thread … but more on that in the blog.

Cheers all… Scott

Un-sync-able? .. Unthinkable!

So how could this happen to me? Here I was a third generation Christian, son and brother of full time ministers, a trained minister working part time as a pastor and yet my world was quietly and gently disintegrating. At the time so many things were not adding up and were falling apart… I was finding more and more that western evangelicalism was a bitter pill to swallow, I was getting frustrated about things that seemed wrong, I felt there were imbalances, injustices and amidst this my personal life was in serious peril. My marriage went through a four-year separation; I resigned as a pastor and was (at last) formally diagnosed with a significant gender ‘disorder’ that had been part of my life since birth.

Where was I to go from there? Whilst all that happened a number of years ago (My wife and I are now back together), the feeling of being ‘out of sync’ has only grown and whilst I could never have guessed that this would happen to me, I am learning to embrace this idea of being ‘un-sync-able’. I don’t really ‘fit in’ or think ‘normally’ but when I look at the life of Jesus for example (amongst other great paradigm blasters) I realise he was out of sync with pretty much everything but his Father. He was at odds with his church, its leaders, its theology and set about to show love and grace to the very people who his church had forgotten. Quite an inspirational dude really.

So enough of this wordy introduction… there’ll be some juicy controversial posts in the future…(eg: “a gay in the life of a minister: a modern day parable” and I’ll include one that gives the basic “Scott White” story …

For now though I’m going to stay UN-SYNC-ABLE, continue to try and make sense of all that is (whilst staying relatively sane) and keep to my life themes of love and grace. Catch you soon… all feedback welcome ☺